She Works Hard for The Money. Should you?

For the woman who is dependent upon her husband for support, her biggest fear is that she will be cut off financially and be unable to support herself, the household or their children.  This is a very valid fear.  Many women who have, by mutual choice or at their husband's request, given up their careers to become caretakers of their families, whether with children or without, are often left feeling completely vulnerable and insecure when they are served with divorce papers.  Likewise, the fear of being financially cut off may prevent a woman from proceeding with a divorce even though she knows she wants to and believes it is best for her and her family.  In this state of fear, it is often impossible to make an intelligent decision about how to proceed with respect to re-entering the workforce.  As a legal issue, it is imperative that this decision be made together with your attorney if you have one, or at the very least with guidance at a consultation.  If you have not yet made the decision to divorce, don't be afraid to make an appointment with an attorney just for a consultation, most of which are free.  You are not wasting the attorney's time and are doing an invaluble service for yourself.  Most attorneys don't expect that every consult will turn into a case (I certainly don't!) and this is part of what we do.

Since issues of support are unique to the state in which you live, I can't speak specifically to what would happen where you live, but here are some general principles which certainly apply in all circumstances.

1.  Don't run out and do ANYTHING within the first month of being served with papers or having papers served on your husband.  This is going to be a very difficult and challenging emotional time for you.  This is a huge process, and simply stated, you just won't be in the right state of mind to do anything drastic.  If you have not worked outside the home for any period of time of one or more years, running out to get a job is drastic.  Keep in mind here that I am not talking about a situation where your husband disappears and that you have no resurces whatsoever and will find yourself homeless if you don't act quick.  I am talking about the more common scenario where the divorce gets underway and your husband, who has always supported you, starts threatening that he is going to cut you off and that you "need to get a job."  It especially amazes me when men who have supported their wives for their entire marriage believe that magically, upon the commencement of divorce, they are supposed to land an incredible position earning as much as their husbands, all while simultaneously having everything at home continue like business as usual.  In most instances, husbands who support their wives will be required by law to continue to maintain the status quo while the divorce action is pending.  This means to continue to support the household as they did immediately prior to the divorce action commencing.

2.  Don't get a job just to get a job.  Again, absent extreme circumstances, and provided your husband continues to voluntarily support you or you obtain a court order directing him to do so, you do not need to run out and "get a job."  Instead, what you need to do is start thinking about what you might like to do in the future in terms of a career.  If you have abandoned a career and would like to resume it, think about what it might take to get back into that field.  If you do not have any desire to return to that line of work, or think there is something different or better for you, start thinking about what next steps you need to take to get there.  Do you need any additional education? Training? When I have a client in this position, I find that the Court is very interested in hearing about a "plan" for my client.  This is especially helpful in tying it into your request for support.  For example, if my client wants to do become a teacher and has some college credits, and we know that she will require at least three (3) years of additional schooling to get her degree and additional credentials, then her request for three to five years of support is fair and reasonable, and a Court likely to consider that.  If instead, there is no plan or basis, then a Court can simply decide on factors that it believes are reasonable, and a support duration might be shorter.  Even worse, by taking that mediocre job you may remove yourself from the support pool altogether.

3.  Don't sell yourself short.  Don't think that you need to "prove" to your husband that you don't need him or his money.  You are going to have a lot on your plate.  You are going to have to run a household on a single income, with a single source of time and energy: YOU. Even if you can "do it all" you should not because you need that time and energy to focus on you, your children and this divorce.  There are going to be expenses that you didn't even think of.  Your children are going to need more of you than ever before.  This is part two of the rest of your life.  Take the time necessary to prepare yourself on all levels, and give your future career choices a lot of thought.  Think about what will bring the best result for you and your children because that is what matters most.

HOLIDAY HOPSCOTCH

With Thanksgiving just a few weeks away, it's starting already...sadly, the holiday games begin.

The emails, letters, phone calls, meetings, and threatened court action have all begun.  What's all the fuss? Where will Johnny or Suzie be this year for Thanksgiving? The truth is that most want to be with both their parents, and all their family.  The reality is that for most, that will not be the case.  

Your little one is going to get tossed, and you are going to have to carefully and artfully hop and jump through the course all while staying in the lines.  So how can you ensure that you don't lose your turn and reach 'safe'?

Start Early:  The holidays all come around on the same day or time of the year.  You know which ones are important to you, and you know which ones you had last.  List the holidays out, think about which days you would like, and as early as possible, send your spouse (or lawyer) your proposal.  Don't wait until the week of the upcoming holiday to first discuss a schedule.  If you can't work something out, you may end up in court, and realistically, with holidays and vacations, if your spouse's lawyer or your lawyer is not around, you just may find that getting to court is not so easy.

Prioritize:  Most holidays are almost always alternated year to year between parents.  However, some holidays may be more important to you or your spouse than others.  Think about which holidays you may want to designate as yours, and which ones you may be willing to trade or give up.  Yes, Veteran's Day may be a holiday, but is it important to you? Are you able to spend that day with your children? Is it a day you want to have for the sake of having? Is this a day you might be able to give up to get something in return?

Be Creative: Yes, holidays are all about tradition, and maybe you have had a family tradition for years and years, but don't get stuck on the principal of your tradition at the expense of your or your children's joy.  Divorce brings change-some good, some bad, and some just different.  Perhaps your tradition was to celebrate with a "dinner" and now, at least every other year, you may celebrate with a "brunch."  It's no secret that I'm a divorced mom, and I can tell you that I've had "Thanksgiving" on a Wednesday night before, complete with Turkey and a house full of guests.  No, this doesn't work for all the holidays, but for some or many it does, and believe me, the kids will be thankful for a wonderful and happy gathering on a Wednesday than a sad and bitter Thursday dinner.

Play fair:  If you had one holiday last year, then your spouse will have that holiday this year.  Absent some extraordinary circumstances, this is the way a Court is going to handle it, so save yourself the stress, tears and money you are sure to lose. 

Once you've worked out your schedule, make sure you put it in writing, and if you're in litigation, speak to your attorney about making that schedule an "Order."  This will take time, so again, make sure you start early.  Getting the schedule in writing not only protects your rights this year, but establishes a precedent for next year, or at the very least clarifies who had which holidays this year.

The holidays should be fun and wonderful time for you to enjoy with the ones you love.  Don't let what should be a festive time for your children be ruined.  You're all going through a hard time as it is.

IT'S HAMMER-TIME ON TWITTER FOR DIVORCING PARENTS: KIDS TWEET AND IT AINT SWEET!

"Back in the day" when kids were going through their parents divorce, their options for expressing opinions was relegated to telling their friends, writing in their diaries, or maybe, if they had one, telling their therapist.  Today, kids have so many options and believe me, they're talking! They're talking about YOU and their talking about how YOU are acting in this divorce.  They are watching everything you do, and everything you say.  And from what I've read, they're really fed up and disgusted.

There's a great lesson to be learned from these kids, and I think we can all learn a thing or two.  No, they don't have all the facts; no, they don't know how it feels for you (nor do they care- remember we are talking about kids!); but yes, they do make some great observations, and yes, their thoughts are worth considering the next time you say or do something in this divorce. 

Here are some actual un-edited "tweets" coming right from kids:

The worst part about having divorced parents is feeling like an object to be fought over. #leavemeoutofit#please

If you don't have divorced parents you do not have the right to complain about anything ever. Nothing worse than catty adults.

Having divorced parents is probably one of the most stressful things

One of the worst things about divorced parents is when one makes a negative comment about the other and you have to defend them

Every day is a struggle with divorced parents I swear

I can't stand having divorced parents! I don't want to hear your problems with one another. It's us kids who are stuck in the middle of it.

I have divorced parents so I'm used to people I depend on bickering and ignoring my needs.

Only people with divorced parents know how difficult and confusing holidays can be.

I could go on, and on, but I think this is plenty.  Is this you? Could this be your kid? Is this how you want to be seen? Didn't think so.

EX MARKS THE SPOT

The Path to divorce is never direct, but the end of the road always leads to becoming an "Ex."  And that is, after all, the goal.  This got me thinking about that expression where "X" marks the "spot," that coveted place where the treasure is hidden or the destination is reached.  We never really focus on the road or path to it because we know with certainty where that road ends.  In divorce however, it's often just the opposite.  Focus is not on the end, but mainly the path.  When focus is on the path, becoming an "Ex" gets further and further away.

In doing my homework I found this great image on Google.  I can't give credit to the artist because no name was found, but it's as if this artist drew this map exactly for divorce.  It's one part maze, one part rollercoaster,  and let's face it, though both can be fun, after a while we get confused, frustrated and even sick.  For those of us who hate rollercoasters, it's even worse. What I love most about this image is how much the end stands out, reminding us that no matter how winding, circling and dashed the path may be, that "Ex" indeed marks the spot for the end of that dizzying road.

READY, AIM, BACKFIRE!!

Funny how those carefully plotted divorce tactics can backfire.  The other day I was reading a comment posted by a woman going through a divorce who was devastated that among other things, her husband was telling her prospective employers that his soon to be ex-wife, though a co-founder and fundamental contributor to their successful business, had been only an employee with menial duties.  Somewhere in his mind he must have thought that by keeping her from getting a good job he was ruining her life.  From her perspective he was "winning the battle," making her feel overwhelmed, insecure, and fearful for her future.  From my perspective, his dastardly deeds were paving the way for a great claim to keep him on the hook for spousal support.

Over the years I have seen countless backfires that have not only stripped the wrongdoers of their arsenal, but strengthened their enemies post!  Here are just a few...

The Husband who planted a listening device into his wife's car hoping to get evidence to use against her and later found himself facing criminal charges.

The Wife who went on a pre-divorce credit card spending spree to punish her cheating husband and later found herself paying for the debt she unreasonably created.

The  Husband who claimed his Wife's car was "destroyed" to keep her stranded and was ordered to get her a new one.

The Wife who shouted at the husband that she would "lie in court" to get him out of the house and did not know she was being legally recorded by the Husband who would later play that tape in Court.

The Husband who tried to destroy his Wife's home oil tank by pouring water in it only to be discovered coming out of the bushes by his humiliated teenage daughter and shocked friends.

Yes, these are all real, and just those that come off the top of my head.  I am sure I have plenty more in the archives but I think the message is pretty clear.  The next time you find yourself scheming of ways to hurt your spouse, make sure it doesn't blow up in your face.

WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET A DIVORCE?

The answer boils down to pretty much one of three things: you're difficult, your spouse is difficult or the lawyers are difficult.

You're Difficult.  Yes, you are.  You may think you're not, but chances are you really are.  It's okay to be difficult.  This is your life and your divorce.  You have a lot at stake with the outcome of this divorce.  You can have as many questions as you like, insist on detailed answers and explanations.  You can take all the time you need to understand the process.  You can demand all kinds of information.  You can struggle with making decisions and choices.  You and your spouse are separating both physically and emotionally.  The things you had control over in your marriage are no longer in your control.  This can create a lot of resistance and difficulty.  This is normal and may cause you to be difficult.  Like I said, it's okay to be difficult.  Don't deny it or think it is a bad thing, but don't be disappointed when your divorce is hard or seems to take a long time.  As I always say to my clients, it took twenty (20) years to make this marriage, how long do you think it should take to end it? 

You're Spouse is Difficult.  Yes, he or she is also difficult, and that's okay too.  You're spouse is going through all of the same things as you, except he or she sees things from the standpoint of how it is going to affect him or her, not you.  The two of you saw things differently in your marriage and that is why you are getting divorced.  Whenever things get difficult in the divorce, my clients usually begin their sentence with "why can't he/she just..." and the answer is "because he/she can't."  Just like your husband or wife didn't do "the right thing" in the marriage, he/she can't do the "right thing" in your divorce.  Maybe what you think is "the right thing" really is right, and maybe it is not.  Either way, you have to lower your expectation as to what you think your spouse should be doing.

The Lawyers are Difficult.  What you wanted in a lawyer is what you are going to get.  If you wanted a "top gun" barracuda to go after your spouse with a vengeance your divorce is going to be long and hard.  Somewhere in the beginning you may have felt that way, but soon into it, you sensed that maybe it was not the best route.  In these cases divorces often become personalized and no one gets the result they need or want.  If you wanted an inexpensive lawyer or worse, a family friend or relative who would do your divorce cheaply or for free to save time and money, you are going to pay a lot more than legal fees.  The inexpensive lawyer may be inexperienced and therefore cost you thousands of dollars in errors and the family friend or relative may also personalize the divorce or put it on the back burner since it's a "favor;" either way, you can bet your divorce is going to be hard.

By now you know that I usually have an exception to all my musings about divorce, so here it is: sometimes you are not the difficult one, have a great lawyer and it really is your spouse who is the difficult one.  When that happens, there is not much you can do except remind yourself as to why you are getting divorced from him/her and be happy that long as it may take, and hard as it may be, eventually, you will be divorced!

FROM "I WILL SURVIVE" TO "I WILL THRIVE!"

Who doesn't know Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" infamous anthem?  Ironically the hit song was released in October of 1978, 35 years ago! Yet it is a song that lives on and continues to played on the airwaves.  It is as  if on cue, that the minute the song begins to play, women jump out of their seats, storm the dance floor and begin raising their hands in the air as they shout the words to the song.  I am one of those women, and as I woke up this morning, just the thought of the song made me smile and jump out of bed.

The song of course is about a devastating break up and the lyrics take you across the singer's plight from fearful and feeling sorry for herself to her ultimate declaration that she will survive.  She takes personal inventory of herself, realizes who she is, how much she has to offer, and commands her jerk of a love to go marching out the door.  It's truly a great song, and I think that almost every woman can relate to a time in her life when she went through the same thing. 

As I relate this song to divorce, the theme is essentially the same.  Yes, you will survive.  In the context of moving on, the focus of course is not to find someone new to love, but to find love for yourself, pick up the pieces of your seemingly broken life, and re-build.  I invite you to look in the mirror and see that "somebody new;" to take stock of all your wonderful qualities and abilities, and to focus on writing a new story for yourself.

Of course you will survive.  The definition of the word "survive" is to continue to live or exist.  Compare that to the definition of the word "thrive" which is to prosper, grow vigorously or flourish.  So the next time you hear Gloria's song, I hope you will join me in shouting, or at the very least thinking, "I will thrive!"

CHILDREN ARE NOT PRISONERS AND YOU ARE NOT THE WARDEN!

So much for not writing about "the kids" but this week's events just made that impossible.  I received a letter from an attorney on Friday at about 3:00.  It literally stated that her client would "not be releasing" the children for visitation this weekend.  It appears that her client had grave concerns about her ex-husband's "behavior."  My response?  Children are not prisoners whom your client can release at her whim. 

It's true and it goes both ways.  One parent cannot simply refuse to let the children go, and the other cannot refuse to bring them back.  Sadly, this happens all too often.

A court order of visitation is just that, an order.  It cannot be violated because a father or a mother thinks that his or her judgment overrides that of the court.  There are mechanisms to get things changed, and if you think there is a problem, you need to go to court or find a way to get the order modified legally.  In legal terms, when you take matters into your own hands, we call that "self-help" and that is a no-no.  Now of course if your spouse shows up at your door drunk with the car keys in hand you are not going to put the children in his/her car.  Likewise, if you return the children to the other parent and he/she is intoxicated or passed out on the couch you cannot just leave them.  I am not talking about life threatening dangers.  I am talking about parents who don't like something that his/her ex-spouse is saying or doing and thus decides that it's time to pull the plug on access to the children.  I've seen this happen when a parent does not like the fact that the other parent has, for example, taken the children to visit a relative that the other parent dislikes, to a certain movie, or sporting event and anything else that the other parent doesn't "approve of."  Likewise, I have seen parents refuse to bring children home for similar reasons.

Engaging in "self help" is never the solution.  There are legal ways to effectuate changes that are necessary to the well being of the children.  They may be lengthy and costly, but if you are that concerned, then you need to seek those routes. 

A Judge is never happy when a parent takes matters into his or her own hands.    And even if you have the best of intentions, or really are concerned, if a Judge does not agree that the situation was dangerous to your child, you are the one who will be in the hot seat. 

Monkey in the Middle

I was recently asked to write a post about "the kids."  Up until now, I hadn't even thought of it.  As I contemplated the task I realized that the reason I hadn't thought of it was very simple; when it comes to divorce, my advice is KEEP THEM OUT OF IT.  Writing about "the kids" logically never entered my mind.

When I think about "the kids" in divorce, it conjures up the image of the game, "Monkey in the Middle" with the child being stuck between the two parents, each of them furiously tossing their love back and forth between them, and that child desperately trying to catch it.  The object of the game of course is to keep that ball away from the one in the middle.  Divorcing parents often become experts at this game, being so focused on keeping that ball, that they often fail to see their little monkey in the middle.  After a while quite frankly, they don't even see the ball itself, focusing instead only on keeping that ball within his/her possession.  The parents, like the players, end up equally aligning themselves to succeed against the one in the middle.

Children going through their parents' divorce have their whole life and existence at stake.  They didn't want the divorce and it's not their divorce.  They have very basic needs.  They need to be loved and made felt secure.  They do not need to know why their parents are getting divorced; they do not need to know what a bad mother or father they have; they do not need to know "the truth" about what happened; they do not need to be messengers between their parents in any fashion at all; they do not need to be the recipients of child support checks handed to them; they do not need to be the carriers of bills that need to be paid, or any other correspondence between the parents.  They do not need to hear their parents arguing or calling each other names; they do not need to hear one parent curse or disparage the other.  They do not need to hate their lives.

I don't care who started the game first.  It's not a fun game.  It's exhausting to be the monkey in the middle, and after a while, not a game he or she will want to play, and the parents who fought so hard to win, will be the ones holding the ball with no monkey in the middle.

THE DIVORCE WORKOUT

First a "divorce diet," now a workout too?  Yes!

As anyone who has ever dieted knows, there is only so much that watching your intake can do.  After a while the body gets used to the change and hits the dreaded plateau.  At this point there's only one of three things you can do: give up, cut more calories, or workout.   

While going through a divorce you inevitably hit a plateau.  You are doing all the right things and yet, seem to be getting nowhere.  It seems like your ex is getting away with murder, going on with his/her life, and even worse, actually enjoying this.  You are sick of "being good" and not seeing results.  You're hungry, cranky and desperate.  You are tempted to "give up" and may tell your lawyer, "just give him/her whatever she wants; I can't do this anymore," but in truth, you know you really can't give up, nor do you want to! Like a plateau, this feeling is temporary, like hunger or frustration.  You can't cut more "calories."   It's bad enough that I've asked you to get clear your home of your favorite evidence, keep quiet, and not curse him/her out.  What next Maria? Send flowers?  No.  This is where the "Divorce Workout" comes in and you don't even have to go to a gym.  Here are just a few ideas:

1.    If you're feeling negative, take "Spin"

You spend an hour on a stationary bike literally spinning your wheels ferociously with all your will and might.  You climb mountains, speed down open roads and look forward to your recovery.  You huff, you puff, you sweat, you sigh, and after an hour, you've gone nowhere but feel great!

In the context of divorce, you need to do the same thing.  You need to put a "spin" on what is happening.  What do I mean?

You:   He just took a vacation to Paris.  How can he get away with that?

Me: Really? That's GREAT! I can't wait until we go back to Court and he tells the Judge he     has no money.

You:  She's been going out every Wednesday night leaving me with the kids until 9:00 in the morning the next day! It's a school night! How can she get away with that?

Me:  Really?  That's GREAT!  You're establishing a great pattern for overnight visits during the week.  I can't wait until we go back to Court and she tells the Judge she doesn't think you should have overnight visits on school nights.

As a divorce attorney I take spin class seven days a week.  I must always look for the other side of an argument.  If I didn't, and simply went along with whatever looked bad, I'd be a lousy lawyer and my clients wouldn't be too happy with the results.  Remember early on in my first post I told you to be a co-pilot with your lawyer? That means you need to take spin too.  Use this workout to change your perspective and feel better.

2.  If you're mind is racing practice "Yoga"

You twist and turn your body sideways, upward, inward, downward and backward all the while with the goal of keeping your thoughts still (as in non-existent).  As you extend your arms into a "T" reaching out to the side wall then down your leg to form a "triangle" you hear bones cracking, feel muscles stretching, and are instructed simply to "breathe" through it.

Likewise, when you're conjuring up all kinds of scenarios and worries and you feel your whole life and being is being twisted and turned upside down and inside out, you need to take a deep breath and still your mind, even if it is just for a minute, or long enough to "hold" a pose.    Yoga poses are also a great way of envisioning how flexible we really are, and that we can, though not easily, get out of our comfort zone.

3.  If you're angry and frustrated try "kickboxing"

You kick, punch, shout and launch a full blown assault on your target without hurting anyone or getting arrested.  Sometimes you just need to let loose.  Tension is running high, buttons are being pushed, and you literally just cannot take it anymore.  This is especially true if you're living with your spouse during the divorce process.  Inevitably a "discussion" is going to lead to an "argument" and escalate to a full on fight that might result in a slammed door, punched wall, or flying object.  All of the anger and frustration that has been pent up is going to come out, and believe me, so will the police. Don't let the anger and frustration build.  Get it out often but do it alone.  Your spouse and/or property are not your "punching bag," emotionally or physically.  Throw an air punch, pound your pillow,  scream in your car or anything else that is going to get it out of your system. 

Whatever your choice of workout, do it and do it regularly, but allow a short rest so that you don't burnout.  A rest is a pause.  It's okay to have a bad moment, slip up or just take a day off; but remember, after you do, hit play and get back on track.

Like any workout, you won't see immediate results, but stick with it, and in time you'll see the difference.

CHEATER OBSESSED? DOES ANYONE CARE?

There she is...or he for that matter...seated in front of my desk with tears in his/her eyes and a mountain of papers.  Barely able to compose herself, she tells me, "He's been cheating on me, and here is all the proof."  Sure enough, there is the proof! And it is ugly.  There are email exchanges, text exchanges, graphic photos, credit card receipts, phone records, PI reports, and sometimes even "DNA" evidence...oh boy. I take a deep breath. 

How do I explain that in the context of divorce, here comes the truth, NO ONE CARES. 

I get it.  It's awful, it's painful, and it may indeed say a lot about the cheating spouse, but as a legal matter (in New York), it won't make a difference in what you get in terms of divorce entitlements.  After gently empathizing with my client, I next deliver the news, "that all being said, as far as the divorce, your spouse can be swinging from chandeliers with his/her paramour, but as long as the children aren't there, no one cares." 

There it is, the stunned look of disbelief...WHAT?  No matter how many times I deliver the news, it's heartbreaking.  Here is my client, totally distressed.  She has inevitably lost at least ten pounds from the stress, hasn't slept for days, and probably spent at least $5,000.00 on a private investigator.  What's even worse is that she has probably, and unbeknownst to her, illegally obtained "evidence" which she couldn't use in court anyway. 

So what now? Well, first off, stop the investigation immediately.  It has no use or purpose other than to upset you.  You have plenty of evidence and there is no need to go any further.  All this will do is upset you even more and interfere with your ability to make good choices for yourself.  I know that it is hard to do.  It becomes almost an obsession.  However, for your own sake, I urge you to stop because it really does not make a difference, and it keeps you stuck.  About 15 years ago I had a client whose husband was cheating on her.  She found out in the most awful of ways...in person.  Yes, she came home to a stranger in the marital bed.  It can't get worse than that.  Did you see the movie Silver Linings Playbook? If you haven't, I suggest you do.  It's a great movie and it's about a husband who discovers his wife is cheating on him; how he becomes obsessed with it, and it almost ruins his life. 

Anyway, back to my poor client.  She was young, smart, highly educated and beautiful.  She was also very trusting and naïve.  She literally suffered a nervous breakdown and could not go to work.  It was a very short marriage, just under two years.  There were no children and no assets.  Other than get her divorced from this cheater, what else did she want? More importantly, what else could I fight for? I was so moved by her plight and believed that having lost her job because of her husband's cheating, that he should provide some spousal support while she got her life back in order.  The Husband's attorney thought I was out of my mind, inexperienced, and all but laughed at my proposal that his client pay my client's rent for a year.  We went to court.  We had a conference with the Judge.  Guess what? The Judge agreed with the Husband's attorney, told me my demand was ridiculous and that my client had to "get over it."  I was crushed.  I went back to my client to tell her that our demand was too high (translation, as in 100% too high).  I will never forget the look of disbelief and disappointment in her eyes.  Persistent young rebel that I was, I went back with a slight modification of my proposal.  The attorney basically laughed at me, and we went back to see the Judge.  At that point the Judge growing annoyed with my persistence and my client's "hysteria" made a suggestion for a proposal.  When my client would not agree, the Judge told me that my client was "an @# idiot."  Uh oh.  Now that was just way out of line.  With my heart banging out of my chest, and my hands shaking, I said to the Judge, "I think that perhaps we should go into the courtroom and I will ask that your honor recuse himself."  He shot me a look.  I added, "respectfully."  The Judge then made a "final" proposal and told opposing counsel that he was to make sure that his client took the deal.  We accepted.  It was a moment of vindication for my client, and for me, one that I still haven't forgotten.  That Judge by the way is no longer a judge or lawyer.

Other than that, and maybe one other which would make this blog just way too long (the Husband was cheating on his Wife with her sister), cheating is NOT a factor in divorce, and people spend way too much time, energy and money obsessing over it.  You are just too good for that type of life waster!

 

Thinking of Getting Divorced? Do this First!

While most of my consults are from people who have already decided to get divorced or who have been told by their spouse that they will be getting divorced, I often get pre-divorce  consults.  These consultations usually go like this, "I'm thinking about getting divorced but I would like to have all my ducks in order.  What should I be doing?"  Great question!  Here is my answer:

1.  Get Informed.  Make photocopies of every single important record in your home.  This includes financial records, medical records, birth certificates, passports, insurance records (life, health, home and car) and monthly bills or invoices that are mailed to your home.  Most bills and invoices these days are "on-line" of course, but some records still get mailed.  I cannot tell you the number of people who have no idea what accounts if any exist or what bills they have.  As you cannot open any mail delivered to anyone except you, I would suggest that you simply write down the name and address of the return envelope of any documents that come to your home that are addressed to your spouse. 

2.  Protect your Stuff.  Make an inventory of all the valuable contents of your home, and by valuable I do not necessarily mean monetary value.  There are many items that have sentimental value, and again, I cannot tell you how many of these items "disappear" when a divorce action is started.  I have had clients crying in my office that they cannot find their baby pictures, mother's wedding dress, jewelry, record collection, etc.  I actually had one client brag to me that she had burned her husband's law school diploma.  Keep in mind that many people start taking things in order to "protect" them, but guess what?  This only fuels the fire, so my suggestion is that you list, photograph and/or copy. 

3. Get a PO Box.  During a divorce you will be getting a lot of mail from your attorney.  Make sure you have a safe place for that mail to go.  Likewise for any other mail you will be getting.

4. Get a new email address.  I had one client that had changed her password, but somehow, through the help of a hacker, her husband was able to get into her email.  While this may be illegal and impermissible in Court blah, blah, blah, the point is that her spouse still was able to get valuable knowledge which he could use in other ways.

5. Protect your Information.  Change ALL your passwords and PIN numbers.  Most people use the same passwords or variation of a password for all their accounts, and during their marriage, they may have shared and interchanged their passwords and PIN.  Don't assume your spouse doesn't know your password.  You will be very surprised at just how savvy he/she is or can be once the divorce gets going.

6.  Get Tech Help.  Have your computer checked for spyware or any other type of software that allows someone not on your computer to see what you are doing.  Also, if you linked your iphone to an ipad or a smartphone to a tablet whomever has your ipad can see your phone texts and email.  Incredible! 

7.  Watch what you say!  In some jurisdictions it is perfectly legal to record a conversation that you are a party to.  What does that mean?  That means that if you and your spouse are having a conversation, whether in person or on the telephone, you or your spouse can record that conversation if it is legal to do so in your state, and it can be used in Court.  A client once brought me a tape recording of an argument he had with his wife (which recording was legal) where she said, "I will do anything to get you out of the house including lying in Court!"  True story!  Needless to say that when we played that recording in Court it raised more than an eyebrow from the judge!

A DIVORCE DIET

After days and days of worrying, stressing, going crazy, and otherwise falling apart, I announced to my client that I was putting her on a "divorce diet."  She looked at me like I was crazy.  I asked her if she'd ever been on a diet.  Of course she had! I told her that divorce in some ways is like a diet.  There are things you can and cannot do.  There are tricks to surviving the process, and as a lifetime dieter, something that many people are familiar with and can relate to, I implemented a "Divorce Diet."  Here is the plan:

1.  Clear your house of all the "temptations."  Many clients have files, boxes or bags of "evidence" they are holding against their spouse.  Get it out of your possession.  Give it to your lawyer, and if he or she thinks it's of value he/she will keep it.  If not, give it to your friend or family.  It serves you no purpose to hold on to pictures, emails, letters, cell phone records, hotel keys or receipts that do nothing other than upset you.  These are constant reminders of the failure of your marriage, your hurt, anger, etc. that keep you stuck and serve as triggers for "binging."  In the context of this "diet" binging may mean anything from over-eating, over-drinking, or any other behaviors that you may regret, or even worse, that can be used against you!

2.  Journal/Record what you are consuming everyday.  This does not have to be in any formal way or in any particular type of book.  The point is to record what you are doing so that you can go back and see what works.  So, for example, an entry might look like this: Yesterday I saw my ex in a brand new car.  It really pissed me off so I ____(insert obscene gesture).  Today I got a call from my lawyer telling me that she received a letter from my spouse's attorney about my "vulgar" behavior.  I'm embarrassed and that letter probably cost me a hundred bucks.  Eventually your entries should get to the point of something like this, I saw my spouse in court today.  She was ranting and making accusations.  I sat quietly with my lawyer.  The court officer told her to be quiet or get out.  That same officer shook his head in disbelief and smiled at me.  Everyone could see what a jerk my spouse is and I didn't have to say a word.  I'm so proud of myself!"

3.  Get Real Support.  Most successful diet plans provide some type of individual or group support.  This is where the therapist comes in.  If you cannot afford a therapist, find a group.  There are many resources for support available.  Find one! While your friends and family can provide some type of support, keep in mind that they love you and may have their own biases.  They may not be able to tell you the truth or may actually add the proverbial "fuel to the fire."  Friends are great but don't use them as your only source of support; they may not be able to withstand hearing about your divorce everyday, and you don't want to lose that friend.

4. No Junk Food.  There are some "foods" that are just absolutely not permitted-not even in moderation.  These are:

• Texting your ex about what a jerk, loser, cheater, liar he is.  I don't care what he or she said first or what buttons he/she pushed.  Do not engage.  Do not respond.  This goes for email as well.
• Telling your kids ANYTHING about the divorce details or ANYTHING derogatory about his/her mom or dad.
• Posting information about your very personal and private life on Facebook or any other social site.

That's it (for now)!

ORDER OF PROTECTION: WEAPON OF DESTRUCTION?

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT FOR INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE A LEGAL BASIS FOR FILING AND/OR SECURING AN ORDER OF PROTECTION; WHO HAVE BEEN THREATENED, HARMED, OR IN ANY WAY OTHERWISE THE VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR LEGALLY IMPERMISSIBLE BEHAVIOR.

Now, let me talk about Orders of Protection being used as swords, not shields...and what I'm really talking about is advice for those who end up falling upon their own sword.

An Order of Protection is a Court Order which is issued in order to protect an individual from conduct by another person which is legally impermissible.  Conduct which is legally impermissible varies from state to state so I cannot get into what type of conduct might or might not be legally impermissible.  However, here are some scenarios that an Order of Protection is NOT meant for:

• Trying to get your spouse out of the house where you do not have the legal basis to do so. I know it is very difficult to live with your spouse during a divorce. Indeed it may be the most difficult part. However, unless you have a legal basis for having your spouse removed from the house, trying to get an Order of Protection where you don't have a basis to do so, will only make the situation worse.  If you file a baseless Order of Protection and lose, there is no "taking it back."  You have lost credibility.

• Trying to get a "leg up" on a custody battle.  Often times where custody is in dispute, one parent will try to get an order of protection hoping that this will help him/her in the custody dispute.  Unless there is a legally valid basis to seek and obtain an Order of Protection, this type of move will certainly backfire.

Depending on your jurisdiction, the filing of an Order of Protection could result in an attorney being appointed for your child.  This means your child will most likely be interviewed by the attorney (depending on the child's age and your jurisdiction) and the parents will not be present for the interview.  The filing of an Order of Protection may also result in a child protection services (or similar agency) investigation and in that case, both parents and the child will be interviewed.  It will be many days, weeks or months before the investigation is complete, and before it is over, thousands of dollars will have been spent, and countless hours of pain and anguish endured.  Where the allegation was baseless, the result will be "unfounded" or something of that nature, and the case closed.  Your spouse however will never forget your actions, and you can bet that any chance of settling or resolving things amicably will also be closed.

I cannot tell you the number of clients and/or spouses over the years that have sought Orders of Protection without a legal basis and lost; not just from the litigation standpoint, but in other ways that cannot be measured.

If you have an attorney, please consult him or her before seeking an Order of Protection.     

THE PRINCE IS STILL A FROG!

This metaphor applies to your prince or princess.  No, he or she did not magically turn into a frog now that you are getting divorced!

When you are going through a divorce, one of the hardest things to do is see things as they are; not as you THOUGHT they were, think they SHOULD BE, or WISH they were.  I come across so many men and women who are distraught over the demise of the marriage and more so, deeply disappointed in their husband/wife.  As they sit with me they often begin by saying "why can't he/she just do 'the right thing' or I just cant believe that he/she said...or did... As we talk things through a little more, it quickly becomes apparent that the husband/wife NEVER did the so-called "right thing" that the soon to be ex-spouse wishes he/she had and that his/her behavior is pretty consistent with what is happening NOW in the divorce. When my client sees this, I usually see a smile on his/or her face. It's one of those "aha" moments. 

Once you see things as they are, it becomes easier to focus on taking action to deal with what IS and to stop wasting your precious time, energy and tears on what you thought or hoped for.

LAWYERS and EXES and THREATS OH MY!

On a daily basis without fail I get a panicked phone call or email about a "threat" one of my clients just received.  "Is it true? Can he/she really do that?" Inevitably the threat, just like a fever, comes in the middle of the night when you can't reach anyone for help.  Scared and stressed, you suffer all night waiting until morning to call your lawyer for an answer.  Keep in mind that I am NOT talking about threats of bodily harm or injury.  Those are different, and none of the below applies to THAT kind of threat.  Any threat of harm to you, your home, or children is one that needs to be reported and acted upon immediately.    These are but just a few common "threats" that are made all too often:

"By the time I'm finished with you, you'll have nothing"
"You'll never see your kids again"
"I'm getting sole custody"
"The kids are going to have to testify"
"The house is getting sold and you will be on the street"
"I'm moving out of state"
"I'm quitting my job"
"I'm calling your boss"
"Wait until the Judge finds out that you..."

Sound familiar? What can you do?

Write it down.  Yes, like my "lists" this too should be written down.  Hearing the threat is very different than seeing it.  When your spouse calls, emails or texts you in a rant, all kinds of emotions and buttons are triggered.  Under this state, it is very difficult to keep calm and impossible to think straight.  Let the threat come and go.  Do not respond to the threat.  Do not make a "counter-threat." Write the threat down. Now read it and think about it.  Chances are that within a few minutes of calming down, breathing and reading, you can see that the threat is often unrealistic, unlikely and the product of some other trigger.  A good friend, excellent therapist and colleague who practices in the field of family therapy once told me, "the dynamics of the marriage are the dynamics of the divorce." Simply stated, if he was a bully in the marriage he will be a bully in the divorce.  If she was controlling in the marriage she will be controlling in the divorce.  Do not expect your spouse's personality or style to change during the divorce, if anything, you will see it reach peak extremes.

Tell your lawyer.  Do not believe your spouse's claims unless your lawyer tells you it is true.  In a contested divorce your spouse has two basic goals, first, to make your life as difficult possible, and second, to "win."  If you keep that in mind, you will begin to train yourself not to react to his/her threat.  If you react to the threat in a way that your spouse hopes you will, i.e. by caving into unreasonable demands and/or giving him or her anything he/she wants just to "end things" then your spouse's tactics have worked and the threats will keep coming!

A word about "lawyer letters."  Lawyers write a lot of letters.  Some letters are necessary, some not so much, and others to appease their angry and upset clients or make them feel better at your expense .  These letters can be very upsetting.  I know it is probably easy for me to say it, but truly, do not take them personally.  Believe me, your spouse's attorney isn't (and your spouse is paying A LOT of money for these letters).     

First Day of Court = First Impression

If you're going to court it's already a sign that the divorce is not going smoothly.  This means that stress, anxiety and tension is even higher than usual.  Add to the fact that you are going to be face to face with your spouse, his/her lawyer and a Judge whom you know little about (except that he or she is going to be making decisions about you, your children and your life), let's just say that admittedly, (and rightfully so) you may not be at your very best.  Here are some tips for preparing for The Big Day:

• What do I wear?  Dress like you're going to a funeral.  Pardon the pun but it really is the simplest way to explain that you must dress conservatively, simply and respectfully.  You cannot go wrong with a suit and dark colors.  If you don't have a suit, wear slacks or a knee length skirt, but keep the colors very basic.  You should not wear jeans, t-shirts, sneakers or open toe shoes, i.e. sandals, flip-flops. 

• Do not speak to your spouse unless the two of you are getting along and can maintain civility. No one should raise his or her voice.  Court is a public place.  There are other couples getting divorced, many attorneys and personnel.  I cannot tell you the number of arguments that break out in the court hallways and believe me, the minute someone gets loud, he or she will find himself being quickly approached and escorted out by a uniformed officer.  Often times the Judge's chambers are in close proximity to the gathering area for litigants which means they can hear what is happening just outside their door.  Tempting as it may be to start telling your husband or wife off, don't do it.  Let your lawyer do the talking.

• Do not speak to the other lawyer.  Unless, you, your spouse and both lawyers are all engaging in a discussion, do not approach the other lawyer with the goal of "setting the record straight" or telling him/her the "truth" about your lying, cheating spouse.  First, ethically, your spouse's lawyer is not allowed to speak to you directly unless he or she has your lawyer's permission. Secondly, your spouse's lawyer is there to represent your spouse, so no matter what you say or do, it is not going to persuade him or her to help your position.  If anything, it will only make things worse.

• Do not bring the "gang."  I know that it can be very intimidating and scary to go to Court, but it is not a place to bring your well-meaning parents, sister/brother, best friend, and certainly not your new significant other (yes, this has happened).  First and foremost, when you bring another individual into a conversation or meeting with your attorney you are automatically breaking the attorney-client privilege.  Secondly, your friends and relatives may have their own agenda and as a result, may cloud your own ability to focus. Lastly, it is distracting to your attorney and his/her ability to do his/her best for you.  Think of it like a surgery; you cannot have your friends and/or family in the Operating Room, but unlike a hospital, there is no waiting room for your friends/family in court.

• Do make a list! I have already mentioned making a list for your attorney of the things that are important for your attorney to know about you.  Likewise, make a list of things that you would like the Judge to know.  WARNING: this list will NOT go to the Judge.  This is simply your "wish list," and again, your attorney may conclude that some of it or none of it is important to your case.  In the case of the latter, ask your attorney why or why not something is important.  This will help you get a better understanding of your case.

• Bring a Book.  Depending on your jurisdiction (where your case is), you may be sitting around the courthouse for hours before your case is called.  You are going to need something to help keep you distracted and calm.

• Keep Time.  Speaking of time, make sure you record the time you spent in Court with your lawyer.  And be on time!

You've Hired An Attorney! Now What?

Be a Co-Pilot with your attorney.  The relationship with your attorney is like every other partnership in your life, and if the two of you don't work together it will end up like every other failed marriage, relationship, or Tango.  Your attorney is not in charge, but neither are you.  In order for your attorney to his or her job, you must do yours.  What is your job?

• Tell your lawyer the truth.  Trust me, he or she has heard it all and your story will be no more shocking, outrageous and troublesome than the one from last week.  If your attorney knows the truth then he or she can formulate a strategy to deal with the problem effectively and efficiently.  This will both save you a lot of embarrassment.  By the same token, demand and expect that your attorney tell you the truth and not what you want to hear.  I have had my share of clients say to me, "whose side are you on?!" and as always, my answer is the same, "Yours! That being said, I am here to tell you the truth, not what you want to hear. If you want to pay good money to hear what you want, I am sure there are a dozen attorneys waiting to do so."

• Write up your "Top Ten" things that you want your attorney to know.  This is a list of the ten things that are important to YOU.  These things may not be important to the attorney or the case, but things that are important to you.  It will give your attorney a sense of who you are and what you need.  In turn, the attorney can tell you what things or expectations he or she can or can't do or meet. 

• Be efficient in your communication.  In most cases you are being billed by the hour which translates into very expensive minutes.  Many clients are upset that they are being charged for "phone calls" but the reality is that the attorney's advice (hence his/her time and words), whether in person or on the phone, in the office or in court, is exactly what you are paying for.  That being said, when you do call, have a clear purpose for the call and keep the call limited to the issue at hand.  Even better, if your attorney allows it, use email.  Email is a great way to gather your thoughts and write out questions.  Don't use email to go on and on about issues or to ask complicated legal questions that are beyond what can be done in an email and may require a meeting.  Your attorney can probably get back to you quicker by email than by phone.

• Do what you are asked to do.  If your attorney needs a document get it to him/her as soon as you can.  If your attorney asks you to have a meeting, make every effort to be there.  If he asks you to make an accommodation for your soon to be former spouse (that's reasonable), do it.  I am not suggesting you blindly follow advice.  Always ask a question when you have one, but there is always a very good reason for your attorney to ask you to do something.

• Trust your attorney until you cannot.  I never thought that I would write on the internet because I felt that there was just too much bad information floating out there that only served to confuse and upset the client.  It was bad enough when a client would start a sentence like "my neighbor's husband only had to..."  or "my friend told me that..." and now I hear about all this "stuff" on the internet.  Information is great but keep in mind that just like no two fingerprints are alike, neither is any divorce.  If your attorney does not answer your questions or answers them in a way that just doesn't make sense, then get a second opinion- a professional second opinion.