HOLIDAY HOPSCOTCH

With Thanksgiving just a few weeks away, it's starting already...sadly, the holiday games begin.

The emails, letters, phone calls, meetings, and threatened court action have all begun.  What's all the fuss? Where will Johnny or Suzie be this year for Thanksgiving? The truth is that most want to be with both their parents, and all their family.  The reality is that for most, that will not be the case.  

Your little one is going to get tossed, and you are going to have to carefully and artfully hop and jump through the course all while staying in the lines.  So how can you ensure that you don't lose your turn and reach 'safe'?

Start Early:  The holidays all come around on the same day or time of the year.  You know which ones are important to you, and you know which ones you had last.  List the holidays out, think about which days you would like, and as early as possible, send your spouse (or lawyer) your proposal.  Don't wait until the week of the upcoming holiday to first discuss a schedule.  If you can't work something out, you may end up in court, and realistically, with holidays and vacations, if your spouse's lawyer or your lawyer is not around, you just may find that getting to court is not so easy.

Prioritize:  Most holidays are almost always alternated year to year between parents.  However, some holidays may be more important to you or your spouse than others.  Think about which holidays you may want to designate as yours, and which ones you may be willing to trade or give up.  Yes, Veteran's Day may be a holiday, but is it important to you? Are you able to spend that day with your children? Is it a day you want to have for the sake of having? Is this a day you might be able to give up to get something in return?

Be Creative: Yes, holidays are all about tradition, and maybe you have had a family tradition for years and years, but don't get stuck on the principal of your tradition at the expense of your or your children's joy.  Divorce brings change-some good, some bad, and some just different.  Perhaps your tradition was to celebrate with a "dinner" and now, at least every other year, you may celebrate with a "brunch."  It's no secret that I'm a divorced mom, and I can tell you that I've had "Thanksgiving" on a Wednesday night before, complete with Turkey and a house full of guests.  No, this doesn't work for all the holidays, but for some or many it does, and believe me, the kids will be thankful for a wonderful and happy gathering on a Wednesday than a sad and bitter Thursday dinner.

Play fair:  If you had one holiday last year, then your spouse will have that holiday this year.  Absent some extraordinary circumstances, this is the way a Court is going to handle it, so save yourself the stress, tears and money you are sure to lose. 

Once you've worked out your schedule, make sure you put it in writing, and if you're in litigation, speak to your attorney about making that schedule an "Order."  This will take time, so again, make sure you start early.  Getting the schedule in writing not only protects your rights this year, but establishes a precedent for next year, or at the very least clarifies who had which holidays this year.

The holidays should be fun and wonderful time for you to enjoy with the ones you love.  Don't let what should be a festive time for your children be ruined.  You're all going through a hard time as it is.

IT'S HAMMER-TIME ON TWITTER FOR DIVORCING PARENTS: KIDS TWEET AND IT AINT SWEET!

"Back in the day" when kids were going through their parents divorce, their options for expressing opinions was relegated to telling their friends, writing in their diaries, or maybe, if they had one, telling their therapist.  Today, kids have so many options and believe me, they're talking! They're talking about YOU and their talking about how YOU are acting in this divorce.  They are watching everything you do, and everything you say.  And from what I've read, they're really fed up and disgusted.

There's a great lesson to be learned from these kids, and I think we can all learn a thing or two.  No, they don't have all the facts; no, they don't know how it feels for you (nor do they care- remember we are talking about kids!); but yes, they do make some great observations, and yes, their thoughts are worth considering the next time you say or do something in this divorce. 

Here are some actual un-edited "tweets" coming right from kids:

The worst part about having divorced parents is feeling like an object to be fought over. #leavemeoutofit#please

If you don't have divorced parents you do not have the right to complain about anything ever. Nothing worse than catty adults.

Having divorced parents is probably one of the most stressful things

One of the worst things about divorced parents is when one makes a negative comment about the other and you have to defend them

Every day is a struggle with divorced parents I swear

I can't stand having divorced parents! I don't want to hear your problems with one another. It's us kids who are stuck in the middle of it.

I have divorced parents so I'm used to people I depend on bickering and ignoring my needs.

Only people with divorced parents know how difficult and confusing holidays can be.

I could go on, and on, but I think this is plenty.  Is this you? Could this be your kid? Is this how you want to be seen? Didn't think so.

EX MARKS THE SPOT

The Path to divorce is never direct, but the end of the road always leads to becoming an "Ex."  And that is, after all, the goal.  This got me thinking about that expression where "X" marks the "spot," that coveted place where the treasure is hidden or the destination is reached.  We never really focus on the road or path to it because we know with certainty where that road ends.  In divorce however, it's often just the opposite.  Focus is not on the end, but mainly the path.  When focus is on the path, becoming an "Ex" gets further and further away.

In doing my homework I found this great image on Google.  I can't give credit to the artist because no name was found, but it's as if this artist drew this map exactly for divorce.  It's one part maze, one part rollercoaster,  and let's face it, though both can be fun, after a while we get confused, frustrated and even sick.  For those of us who hate rollercoasters, it's even worse. What I love most about this image is how much the end stands out, reminding us that no matter how winding, circling and dashed the path may be, that "Ex" indeed marks the spot for the end of that dizzying road.