Funny how those carefully plotted divorce tactics can backfire. The other day I was reading a comment posted by a woman going through a divorce who was devastated that among other things, her husband was telling her prospective employers that his soon to be ex-wife, though a co-founder and fundamental contributor to their successful business, had been only an employee with menial duties. Somewhere in his mind he must have thought that by keeping her from getting a good job he was ruining her life. From her perspective he was "winning the battle," making her feel overwhelmed, insecure, and fearful for her future. From my perspective, his dastardly deeds were paving the way for a great claim to keep him on the hook for spousal support.
Over the years I have seen countless backfires that have not only stripped the wrongdoers of their arsenal, but strengthened their enemies post! Here are just a few...
The Husband who planted a listening device into his wife's car hoping to get evidence to use against her and later found himself facing criminal charges.
The Wife who went on a pre-divorce credit card spending spree to punish her cheating husband and later found herself paying for the debt she unreasonably created.
The Husband who claimed his Wife's car was "destroyed" to keep her stranded and was ordered to get her a new one.
The Wife who shouted at the husband that she would "lie in court" to get him out of the house and did not know she was being legally recorded by the Husband who would later play that tape in Court.
The Husband who tried to destroy his Wife's home oil tank by pouring water in it only to be discovered coming out of the bushes by his humiliated teenage daughter and shocked friends.
Yes, these are all real, and just those that come off the top of my head. I am sure I have plenty more in the archives but I think the message is pretty clear. The next time you find yourself scheming of ways to hurt your spouse, make sure it doesn't blow up in your face.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET A DIVORCE?
The answer boils down to pretty much one of three things: you're difficult, your spouse is difficult or the lawyers are difficult.
You're Difficult. Yes, you are. You may think you're not, but chances are you really are. It's okay to be difficult. This is your life and your divorce. You have a lot at stake with the outcome of this divorce. You can have as many questions as you like, insist on detailed answers and explanations. You can take all the time you need to understand the process. You can demand all kinds of information. You can struggle with making decisions and choices. You and your spouse are separating both physically and emotionally. The things you had control over in your marriage are no longer in your control. This can create a lot of resistance and difficulty. This is normal and may cause you to be difficult. Like I said, it's okay to be difficult. Don't deny it or think it is a bad thing, but don't be disappointed when your divorce is hard or seems to take a long time. As I always say to my clients, it took twenty (20) years to make this marriage, how long do you think it should take to end it?
You're Spouse is Difficult. Yes, he or she is also difficult, and that's okay too. You're spouse is going through all of the same things as you, except he or she sees things from the standpoint of how it is going to affect him or her, not you. The two of you saw things differently in your marriage and that is why you are getting divorced. Whenever things get difficult in the divorce, my clients usually begin their sentence with "why can't he/she just..." and the answer is "because he/she can't." Just like your husband or wife didn't do "the right thing" in the marriage, he/she can't do the "right thing" in your divorce. Maybe what you think is "the right thing" really is right, and maybe it is not. Either way, you have to lower your expectation as to what you think your spouse should be doing.
The Lawyers are Difficult. What you wanted in a lawyer is what you are going to get. If you wanted a "top gun" barracuda to go after your spouse with a vengeance your divorce is going to be long and hard. Somewhere in the beginning you may have felt that way, but soon into it, you sensed that maybe it was not the best route. In these cases divorces often become personalized and no one gets the result they need or want. If you wanted an inexpensive lawyer or worse, a family friend or relative who would do your divorce cheaply or for free to save time and money, you are going to pay a lot more than legal fees. The inexpensive lawyer may be inexperienced and therefore cost you thousands of dollars in errors and the family friend or relative may also personalize the divorce or put it on the back burner since it's a "favor;" either way, you can bet your divorce is going to be hard.
By now you know that I usually have an exception to all my musings about divorce, so here it is: sometimes you are not the difficult one, have a great lawyer and it really is your spouse who is the difficult one. When that happens, there is not much you can do except remind yourself as to why you are getting divorced from him/her and be happy that long as it may take, and hard as it may be, eventually, you will be divorced!
You're Difficult. Yes, you are. You may think you're not, but chances are you really are. It's okay to be difficult. This is your life and your divorce. You have a lot at stake with the outcome of this divorce. You can have as many questions as you like, insist on detailed answers and explanations. You can take all the time you need to understand the process. You can demand all kinds of information. You can struggle with making decisions and choices. You and your spouse are separating both physically and emotionally. The things you had control over in your marriage are no longer in your control. This can create a lot of resistance and difficulty. This is normal and may cause you to be difficult. Like I said, it's okay to be difficult. Don't deny it or think it is a bad thing, but don't be disappointed when your divorce is hard or seems to take a long time. As I always say to my clients, it took twenty (20) years to make this marriage, how long do you think it should take to end it?
You're Spouse is Difficult. Yes, he or she is also difficult, and that's okay too. You're spouse is going through all of the same things as you, except he or she sees things from the standpoint of how it is going to affect him or her, not you. The two of you saw things differently in your marriage and that is why you are getting divorced. Whenever things get difficult in the divorce, my clients usually begin their sentence with "why can't he/she just..." and the answer is "because he/she can't." Just like your husband or wife didn't do "the right thing" in the marriage, he/she can't do the "right thing" in your divorce. Maybe what you think is "the right thing" really is right, and maybe it is not. Either way, you have to lower your expectation as to what you think your spouse should be doing.
The Lawyers are Difficult. What you wanted in a lawyer is what you are going to get. If you wanted a "top gun" barracuda to go after your spouse with a vengeance your divorce is going to be long and hard. Somewhere in the beginning you may have felt that way, but soon into it, you sensed that maybe it was not the best route. In these cases divorces often become personalized and no one gets the result they need or want. If you wanted an inexpensive lawyer or worse, a family friend or relative who would do your divorce cheaply or for free to save time and money, you are going to pay a lot more than legal fees. The inexpensive lawyer may be inexperienced and therefore cost you thousands of dollars in errors and the family friend or relative may also personalize the divorce or put it on the back burner since it's a "favor;" either way, you can bet your divorce is going to be hard.
By now you know that I usually have an exception to all my musings about divorce, so here it is: sometimes you are not the difficult one, have a great lawyer and it really is your spouse who is the difficult one. When that happens, there is not much you can do except remind yourself as to why you are getting divorced from him/her and be happy that long as it may take, and hard as it may be, eventually, you will be divorced!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
FROM "I WILL SURVIVE" TO "I WILL THRIVE!"
Who doesn't know Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" infamous anthem? Ironically the hit song was released in October of 1978, 35 years ago! Yet it is a song that lives on and continues to played on the airwaves. It is as if on cue, that the minute the song begins to play, women jump out of their seats, storm the dance floor and begin raising their hands in the air as they shout the words to the song. I am one of those women, and as I woke up this morning, just the thought of the song made me smile and jump out of bed.
The song of course is about a devastating break up and the lyrics take you across the singer's plight from fearful and feeling sorry for herself to her ultimate declaration that she will survive. She takes personal inventory of herself, realizes who she is, how much she has to offer, and commands her jerk of a love to go marching out the door. It's truly a great song, and I think that almost every woman can relate to a time in her life when she went through the same thing.
As I relate this song to divorce, the theme is essentially the same. Yes, you will survive. In the context of moving on, the focus of course is not to find someone new to love, but to find love for yourself, pick up the pieces of your seemingly broken life, and re-build. I invite you to look in the mirror and see that "somebody new;" to take stock of all your wonderful qualities and abilities, and to focus on writing a new story for yourself.
Of course you will survive. The definition of the word "survive" is to continue to live or exist. Compare that to the definition of the word "thrive" which is to prosper, grow vigorously or flourish. So the next time you hear Gloria's song, I hope you will join me in shouting, or at the very least thinking, "I will thrive!"
The song of course is about a devastating break up and the lyrics take you across the singer's plight from fearful and feeling sorry for herself to her ultimate declaration that she will survive. She takes personal inventory of herself, realizes who she is, how much she has to offer, and commands her jerk of a love to go marching out the door. It's truly a great song, and I think that almost every woman can relate to a time in her life when she went through the same thing.
As I relate this song to divorce, the theme is essentially the same. Yes, you will survive. In the context of moving on, the focus of course is not to find someone new to love, but to find love for yourself, pick up the pieces of your seemingly broken life, and re-build. I invite you to look in the mirror and see that "somebody new;" to take stock of all your wonderful qualities and abilities, and to focus on writing a new story for yourself.
Of course you will survive. The definition of the word "survive" is to continue to live or exist. Compare that to the definition of the word "thrive" which is to prosper, grow vigorously or flourish. So the next time you hear Gloria's song, I hope you will join me in shouting, or at the very least thinking, "I will thrive!"
Sunday, October 20, 2013
CHILDREN ARE NOT PRISONERS AND YOU ARE NOT THE WARDEN!
So much for not writing about "the kids" but this week's events just made that impossible. I received a letter from an attorney on Friday at about 3:00. It literally stated that her client would "not be releasing" the children for visitation this weekend. It appears that her client had grave concerns about her ex-husband's "behavior." My response? Children are not prisoners whom your client can release at her whim.
It's true and it goes both ways. One parent cannot simply refuse to let the children go, and the other cannot refuse to bring them back. Sadly, this happens all too often.
A court order of visitation is just that, an order. It cannot be violated because a father or a mother thinks that his or her judgment overrides that of the court. There are mechanisms to get things changed, and if you think there is a problem, you need to go to court or find a way to get the order modified legally. In legal terms, when you take matters into your own hands, we call that "self-help" and that is a no-no. Now of course if your spouse shows up at your door drunk with the car keys in hand you are not going to put the children in his/her car. Likewise, if you return the children to the other parent and he/she is intoxicated or passed out on the couch you cannot just leave them. I am not talking about life threatening dangers. I am talking about parents who don't like something that his/her ex-spouse is saying or doing and thus decides that it's time to pull the plug on access to the children. I've seen this happen when a parent does not like the fact that the other parent has, for example, taken the children to visit a relative that the other parent dislikes, to a certain movie, or sporting event and anything else that the other parent doesn't "approve of." Likewise, I have seen parents refuse to bring children home for similar reasons.
Engaging in "self help" is never the solution. There are legal ways to effectuate changes that are necessary to the well being of the children. They may be lengthy and costly, but if you are that concerned, then you need to seek those routes.
A Judge is never happy when a parent takes matters into his or her own hands. And even if you have the best of intentions, or really are concerned, if a Judge does not agree that the situation was dangerous to your child, you are the one who will be in the hot seat.
It's true and it goes both ways. One parent cannot simply refuse to let the children go, and the other cannot refuse to bring them back. Sadly, this happens all too often.
A court order of visitation is just that, an order. It cannot be violated because a father or a mother thinks that his or her judgment overrides that of the court. There are mechanisms to get things changed, and if you think there is a problem, you need to go to court or find a way to get the order modified legally. In legal terms, when you take matters into your own hands, we call that "self-help" and that is a no-no. Now of course if your spouse shows up at your door drunk with the car keys in hand you are not going to put the children in his/her car. Likewise, if you return the children to the other parent and he/she is intoxicated or passed out on the couch you cannot just leave them. I am not talking about life threatening dangers. I am talking about parents who don't like something that his/her ex-spouse is saying or doing and thus decides that it's time to pull the plug on access to the children. I've seen this happen when a parent does not like the fact that the other parent has, for example, taken the children to visit a relative that the other parent dislikes, to a certain movie, or sporting event and anything else that the other parent doesn't "approve of." Likewise, I have seen parents refuse to bring children home for similar reasons.
Engaging in "self help" is never the solution. There are legal ways to effectuate changes that are necessary to the well being of the children. They may be lengthy and costly, but if you are that concerned, then you need to seek those routes.
A Judge is never happy when a parent takes matters into his or her own hands. And even if you have the best of intentions, or really are concerned, if a Judge does not agree that the situation was dangerous to your child, you are the one who will be in the hot seat.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monkey in the Middle
I was recently asked to write a post about "the kids." Up until now, I hadn't even thought of it. As I contemplated the task I realized that the reason I hadn't thought of it was very simple; when it comes to divorce, my advice is KEEP THEM OUT OF IT. Writing about "the kids" logically never entered my mind.
When I think about "the kids" in divorce, it conjures up the image of the game, "Monkey in the Middle" with the child being stuck between the two parents, each of them furiously tossing their love back and forth between them, and that child desperately trying to catch it. The object of the game of course is to keep that ball away from the one in the middle. Divorcing parents often become experts at this game, being so focused on keeping that ball, that they often fail to see their little monkey in the middle. After a while quite frankly, they don't even see the ball itself, focusing instead only on keeping that ball within his/her possession. The parents, like the players, end up equally aligning themselves to succeed against the one in the middle.
Children going through their parents' divorce have their whole life and existence at stake. They didn't want the divorce and it's not their divorce. They have very basic needs. They need to be loved and made felt secure. They do not need to know why their parents are getting divorced; they do not need to know what a bad mother or father they have; they do not need to know "the truth" about what happened; they do not need to be messengers between their parents in any fashion at all; they do not need to be the recipients of child support checks handed to them; they do not need to be the carriers of bills that need to be paid, or any other correspondence between the parents. They do not need to hear their parents arguing or calling each other names; they do not need to hear one parent curse or disparage the other. They do not need to hate their lives.
I don't care who started the game first. It's not a fun game. It's exhausting to be the monkey in the middle, and after a while, not a game he or she will want to play, and the parents who fought so hard to win, will be the ones holding the ball with no monkey in the middle.
When I think about "the kids" in divorce, it conjures up the image of the game, "Monkey in the Middle" with the child being stuck between the two parents, each of them furiously tossing their love back and forth between them, and that child desperately trying to catch it. The object of the game of course is to keep that ball away from the one in the middle. Divorcing parents often become experts at this game, being so focused on keeping that ball, that they often fail to see their little monkey in the middle. After a while quite frankly, they don't even see the ball itself, focusing instead only on keeping that ball within his/her possession. The parents, like the players, end up equally aligning themselves to succeed against the one in the middle.
Children going through their parents' divorce have their whole life and existence at stake. They didn't want the divorce and it's not their divorce. They have very basic needs. They need to be loved and made felt secure. They do not need to know why their parents are getting divorced; they do not need to know what a bad mother or father they have; they do not need to know "the truth" about what happened; they do not need to be messengers between their parents in any fashion at all; they do not need to be the recipients of child support checks handed to them; they do not need to be the carriers of bills that need to be paid, or any other correspondence between the parents. They do not need to hear their parents arguing or calling each other names; they do not need to hear one parent curse or disparage the other. They do not need to hate their lives.
I don't care who started the game first. It's not a fun game. It's exhausting to be the monkey in the middle, and after a while, not a game he or she will want to play, and the parents who fought so hard to win, will be the ones holding the ball with no monkey in the middle.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
THE DIVORCE WORKOUT
First a "divorce diet," now a workout too? Yes!
As anyone who has ever dieted knows, there is only so much that watching your intake can do. After a while the body gets used to the change and hits the dreaded plateau. At this point there's only one of three things you can do: give up, cut more calories, or workout.
While going through a divorce you inevitably hit a plateau. You are doing all the right things and yet, seem to be getting nowhere. It seems like your ex is getting away with murder, going on with his/her life, and even worse, actually enjoying this. You are sick of "being good" and not seeing results. You're hungry, cranky and desperate. You are tempted to "give up" and may tell your lawyer, "just give him/her whatever she wants; I can't do this anymore," but in truth, you know you really can't give up, nor do you want to! Like a plateau, this feeling is temporary, like hunger or frustration. You can't cut more "calories." It's bad enough that I've asked you to get clear your home of your favorite evidence, keep quiet, and not curse him/her out. What next Maria? Send flowers? No. This is where the "Divorce Workout" comes in and you don't even have to go to a gym. Here are just a few ideas:
1. If you're feeling negative, take "Spin"
You spend an hour on a stationary bike literally spinning your wheels ferociously with all your will and might. You climb mountains, speed down open roads and look forward to your recovery. You huff, you puff, you sweat, you sigh, and after an hour, you've gone nowhere but feel great!
In the context of divorce, you need to do the same thing. You need to put a "spin" on what is happening. What do I mean?
You: He just took a vacation to Paris. How can he get away with that?
Me: Really? That's GREAT! I can't wait until we go back to Court and he tells the Judge he has no money.
You: She's been going out every Wednesday night leaving me with the kids until 9:00 in the morning the next day! It's a school night! How can she get away with that?
Me: Really? That's GREAT! You're establishing a great pattern for overnight visits during the week. I can't wait until we go back to Court and she tells the Judge she doesn't think you should have overnight visits on school nights.
As a divorce attorney I take spin class seven days a week. I must always look for the other side of an argument. If I didn't, and simply went along with whatever looked bad, I'd be a lousy lawyer and my clients wouldn't be too happy with the results. Remember early on in my first post I told you to be a co-pilot with your lawyer? That means you need to take spin too. Use this workout to change your perspective and feel better.
2. If you're mind is racing practice "Yoga"
You twist and turn your body sideways, upward, inward, downward and backward all the while with the goal of keeping your thoughts still (as in non-existent). As you extend your arms into a "T" reaching out to the side wall then down your leg to form a "triangle" you hear bones cracking, feel muscles stretching, and are instructed simply to "breathe" through it.
Likewise, when you're conjuring up all kinds of scenarios and worries and you feel your whole life and being is being twisted and turned upside down and inside out, you need to take a deep breath and still your mind, even if it is just for a minute, or long enough to "hold" a pose. Yoga poses are also a great way of envisioning how flexible we really are, and that we can, though not easily, get out of our comfort zone.
3. If you're angry and frustrated try "kickboxing"
You kick, punch, shout and launch a full blown assault on your target without hurting anyone or getting arrested. Sometimes you just need to let loose. Tension is running high, buttons are being pushed, and you literally just cannot take it anymore. This is especially true if you're living with your spouse during the divorce process. Inevitably a "discussion" is going to lead to an "argument" and escalate to a full on fight that might result in a slammed door, punched wall, or flying object. All of the anger and frustration that has been pent up is going to come out, and believe me, so will the police. Don't let the anger and frustration build. Get it out often but do it alone. Your spouse and/or property are not your "punching bag," emotionally or physically. Throw an air punch, pound your pillow, scream in your car or anything else that is going to get it out of your system.
Whatever your choice of workout, do it and do it regularly, but allow a short rest so that you don't burnout. A rest is a pause. It's okay to have a bad moment, slip up or just take a day off; but remember, after you do, hit play and get back on track.
Like any workout, you won't see immediate results, but stick with it, and in time you'll see the difference.
As anyone who has ever dieted knows, there is only so much that watching your intake can do. After a while the body gets used to the change and hits the dreaded plateau. At this point there's only one of three things you can do: give up, cut more calories, or workout.
While going through a divorce you inevitably hit a plateau. You are doing all the right things and yet, seem to be getting nowhere. It seems like your ex is getting away with murder, going on with his/her life, and even worse, actually enjoying this. You are sick of "being good" and not seeing results. You're hungry, cranky and desperate. You are tempted to "give up" and may tell your lawyer, "just give him/her whatever she wants; I can't do this anymore," but in truth, you know you really can't give up, nor do you want to! Like a plateau, this feeling is temporary, like hunger or frustration. You can't cut more "calories." It's bad enough that I've asked you to get clear your home of your favorite evidence, keep quiet, and not curse him/her out. What next Maria? Send flowers? No. This is where the "Divorce Workout" comes in and you don't even have to go to a gym. Here are just a few ideas:
1. If you're feeling negative, take "Spin"
You spend an hour on a stationary bike literally spinning your wheels ferociously with all your will and might. You climb mountains, speed down open roads and look forward to your recovery. You huff, you puff, you sweat, you sigh, and after an hour, you've gone nowhere but feel great!
In the context of divorce, you need to do the same thing. You need to put a "spin" on what is happening. What do I mean?
You: He just took a vacation to Paris. How can he get away with that?
Me: Really? That's GREAT! I can't wait until we go back to Court and he tells the Judge he has no money.
You: She's been going out every Wednesday night leaving me with the kids until 9:00 in the morning the next day! It's a school night! How can she get away with that?
Me: Really? That's GREAT! You're establishing a great pattern for overnight visits during the week. I can't wait until we go back to Court and she tells the Judge she doesn't think you should have overnight visits on school nights.
As a divorce attorney I take spin class seven days a week. I must always look for the other side of an argument. If I didn't, and simply went along with whatever looked bad, I'd be a lousy lawyer and my clients wouldn't be too happy with the results. Remember early on in my first post I told you to be a co-pilot with your lawyer? That means you need to take spin too. Use this workout to change your perspective and feel better.
2. If you're mind is racing practice "Yoga"
You twist and turn your body sideways, upward, inward, downward and backward all the while with the goal of keeping your thoughts still (as in non-existent). As you extend your arms into a "T" reaching out to the side wall then down your leg to form a "triangle" you hear bones cracking, feel muscles stretching, and are instructed simply to "breathe" through it.
Likewise, when you're conjuring up all kinds of scenarios and worries and you feel your whole life and being is being twisted and turned upside down and inside out, you need to take a deep breath and still your mind, even if it is just for a minute, or long enough to "hold" a pose. Yoga poses are also a great way of envisioning how flexible we really are, and that we can, though not easily, get out of our comfort zone.
3. If you're angry and frustrated try "kickboxing"
You kick, punch, shout and launch a full blown assault on your target without hurting anyone or getting arrested. Sometimes you just need to let loose. Tension is running high, buttons are being pushed, and you literally just cannot take it anymore. This is especially true if you're living with your spouse during the divorce process. Inevitably a "discussion" is going to lead to an "argument" and escalate to a full on fight that might result in a slammed door, punched wall, or flying object. All of the anger and frustration that has been pent up is going to come out, and believe me, so will the police. Don't let the anger and frustration build. Get it out often but do it alone. Your spouse and/or property are not your "punching bag," emotionally or physically. Throw an air punch, pound your pillow, scream in your car or anything else that is going to get it out of your system.
Whatever your choice of workout, do it and do it regularly, but allow a short rest so that you don't burnout. A rest is a pause. It's okay to have a bad moment, slip up or just take a day off; but remember, after you do, hit play and get back on track.
Like any workout, you won't see immediate results, but stick with it, and in time you'll see the difference.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
CHEATER OBSESSED? DOES ANYONE CARE?
There she is...or he for that matter...seated in front of my desk with tears in his/her eyes and a mountain of papers. Barely able to compose herself, she tells me, "He's been cheating on me, and here is all the proof." Sure enough, there is the proof! And it is ugly. There are email exchanges, text exchanges, graphic photos, credit card receipts, phone records, PI reports, and sometimes even "DNA" evidence...oh boy. I take a deep breath.
How do I explain that in the context of divorce, here comes the truth, NO ONE CARES.
I get it. It's awful, it's painful, and it may indeed say a lot about the cheating spouse, but as a legal matter (in New York), it won't make a difference in what you get in terms of divorce entitlements. After gently empathizing with my client, I next deliver the news, "that all being said, as far as the divorce, your spouse can be swinging from chandeliers with his/her paramour, but as long as the children aren't there, no one cares."
There it is, the stunned look of disbelief...WHAT? No matter how many times I deliver the news, it's heartbreaking. Here is my client, totally distressed. She has inevitably lost at least ten pounds from the stress, hasn't slept for days, and probably spent at least $5,000.00 on a private investigator. What's even worse is that she has probably, and unbeknownst to her, illegally obtained "evidence" which she couldn't use in court anyway.
So what now? Well, first off, stop the investigation immediately. It has no use or purpose other than to upset you. You have plenty of evidence and there is no need to go any further. All this will do is upset you even more and interfere with your ability to make good choices for yourself. I know that it is hard to do. It becomes almost an obsession. However, for your own sake, I urge you to stop because it really does not make a difference, and it keeps you stuck. About 15 years ago I had a client whose husband was cheating on her. She found out in the most awful of ways...in person. Yes, she came home to a stranger in the marital bed. It can't get worse than that. Did you see the movie Silver Linings Playbook? If you haven't, I suggest you do. It's a great movie and it's about a husband who discovers his wife is cheating on him; how he becomes obsessed with it, and it almost ruins his life.
Anyway, back to my poor client. She was young, smart, highly educated and beautiful. She was also very trusting and naïve. She literally suffered a nervous breakdown and could not go to work. It was a very short marriage, just under two years. There were no children and no assets. Other than get her divorced from this cheater, what else did she want? More importantly, what else could I fight for? I was so moved by her plight and believed that having lost her job because of her husband's cheating, that he should provide some spousal support while she got her life back in order. The Husband's attorney thought I was out of my mind, inexperienced, and all but laughed at my proposal that his client pay my client's rent for a year. We went to court. We had a conference with the Judge. Guess what? The Judge agreed with the Husband's attorney, told me my demand was ridiculous and that my client had to "get over it." I was crushed. I went back to my client to tell her that our demand was too high (translation, as in 100% too high). I will never forget the look of disbelief and disappointment in her eyes. Persistent young rebel that I was, I went back with a slight modification of my proposal. The attorney basically laughed at me, and we went back to see the Judge. At that point the Judge growing annoyed with my persistence and my client's "hysteria" made a suggestion for a proposal. When my client would not agree, the Judge told me that my client was "an @# idiot." Uh oh. Now that was just way out of line. With my heart banging out of my chest, and my hands shaking, I said to the Judge, "I think that perhaps we should go into the courtroom and I will ask that your honor recuse himself." He shot me a look. I added, "respectfully." The Judge then made a "final" proposal and told opposing counsel that he was to make sure that his client took the deal. We accepted. It was a moment of vindication for my client, and for me, one that I still haven't forgotten. That Judge by the way is no longer a judge or lawyer.
Other than that, and maybe one other which would make this blog just way too long (the Husband was cheating on his Wife with her sister), cheating is NOT a factor in divorce, and people spend way too much time, energy and money obsessing over it. You are just too good for that type of life waster!
How do I explain that in the context of divorce, here comes the truth, NO ONE CARES.
I get it. It's awful, it's painful, and it may indeed say a lot about the cheating spouse, but as a legal matter (in New York), it won't make a difference in what you get in terms of divorce entitlements. After gently empathizing with my client, I next deliver the news, "that all being said, as far as the divorce, your spouse can be swinging from chandeliers with his/her paramour, but as long as the children aren't there, no one cares."
There it is, the stunned look of disbelief...WHAT? No matter how many times I deliver the news, it's heartbreaking. Here is my client, totally distressed. She has inevitably lost at least ten pounds from the stress, hasn't slept for days, and probably spent at least $5,000.00 on a private investigator. What's even worse is that she has probably, and unbeknownst to her, illegally obtained "evidence" which she couldn't use in court anyway.
So what now? Well, first off, stop the investigation immediately. It has no use or purpose other than to upset you. You have plenty of evidence and there is no need to go any further. All this will do is upset you even more and interfere with your ability to make good choices for yourself. I know that it is hard to do. It becomes almost an obsession. However, for your own sake, I urge you to stop because it really does not make a difference, and it keeps you stuck. About 15 years ago I had a client whose husband was cheating on her. She found out in the most awful of ways...in person. Yes, she came home to a stranger in the marital bed. It can't get worse than that. Did you see the movie Silver Linings Playbook? If you haven't, I suggest you do. It's a great movie and it's about a husband who discovers his wife is cheating on him; how he becomes obsessed with it, and it almost ruins his life.
Anyway, back to my poor client. She was young, smart, highly educated and beautiful. She was also very trusting and naïve. She literally suffered a nervous breakdown and could not go to work. It was a very short marriage, just under two years. There were no children and no assets. Other than get her divorced from this cheater, what else did she want? More importantly, what else could I fight for? I was so moved by her plight and believed that having lost her job because of her husband's cheating, that he should provide some spousal support while she got her life back in order. The Husband's attorney thought I was out of my mind, inexperienced, and all but laughed at my proposal that his client pay my client's rent for a year. We went to court. We had a conference with the Judge. Guess what? The Judge agreed with the Husband's attorney, told me my demand was ridiculous and that my client had to "get over it." I was crushed. I went back to my client to tell her that our demand was too high (translation, as in 100% too high). I will never forget the look of disbelief and disappointment in her eyes. Persistent young rebel that I was, I went back with a slight modification of my proposal. The attorney basically laughed at me, and we went back to see the Judge. At that point the Judge growing annoyed with my persistence and my client's "hysteria" made a suggestion for a proposal. When my client would not agree, the Judge told me that my client was "an @# idiot." Uh oh. Now that was just way out of line. With my heart banging out of my chest, and my hands shaking, I said to the Judge, "I think that perhaps we should go into the courtroom and I will ask that your honor recuse himself." He shot me a look. I added, "respectfully." The Judge then made a "final" proposal and told opposing counsel that he was to make sure that his client took the deal. We accepted. It was a moment of vindication for my client, and for me, one that I still haven't forgotten. That Judge by the way is no longer a judge or lawyer.
Other than that, and maybe one other which would make this blog just way too long (the Husband was cheating on his Wife with her sister), cheating is NOT a factor in divorce, and people spend way too much time, energy and money obsessing over it. You are just too good for that type of life waster!
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