Monkey in the Middle

I was recently asked to write a post about "the kids."  Up until now, I hadn't even thought of it.  As I contemplated the task I realized that the reason I hadn't thought of it was very simple; when it comes to divorce, my advice is KEEP THEM OUT OF IT.  Writing about "the kids" logically never entered my mind.

When I think about "the kids" in divorce, it conjures up the image of the game, "Monkey in the Middle" with the child being stuck between the two parents, each of them furiously tossing their love back and forth between them, and that child desperately trying to catch it.  The object of the game of course is to keep that ball away from the one in the middle.  Divorcing parents often become experts at this game, being so focused on keeping that ball, that they often fail to see their little monkey in the middle.  After a while quite frankly, they don't even see the ball itself, focusing instead only on keeping that ball within his/her possession.  The parents, like the players, end up equally aligning themselves to succeed against the one in the middle.

Children going through their parents' divorce have their whole life and existence at stake.  They didn't want the divorce and it's not their divorce.  They have very basic needs.  They need to be loved and made felt secure.  They do not need to know why their parents are getting divorced; they do not need to know what a bad mother or father they have; they do not need to know "the truth" about what happened; they do not need to be messengers between their parents in any fashion at all; they do not need to be the recipients of child support checks handed to them; they do not need to be the carriers of bills that need to be paid, or any other correspondence between the parents.  They do not need to hear their parents arguing or calling each other names; they do not need to hear one parent curse or disparage the other.  They do not need to hate their lives.

I don't care who started the game first.  It's not a fun game.  It's exhausting to be the monkey in the middle, and after a while, not a game he or she will want to play, and the parents who fought so hard to win, will be the ones holding the ball with no monkey in the middle.