Divorce is both an end and a beginning. It marks the end of a
marriage and the beginning of a new life, identity, and existence. For
some clients, it's a process that marks the beginning of their
"liberation" and for others, the end of a life they wish they could hold
on to. For the client that did not choose the divorce, this end can be
very painful, and their hurt, masked as anger, can lead them to act in
ways that are self-destructive and sabotaging.
Divorce Court is
not a private place, not even close. Indeed, not only is it a public
venue, but quite literally a stage for every onlooker who happens to be
there. Courts are filled with divorcing husbands and wives, their
lawyers, friends, family members, and of course, the court personnel,
including the Judges, Clerks, Court Officers, and Cleaning Staff. On a
daily basis you can stroll the court halls and find couples shouting at
each other, cursing, and pointing fingers. It seems that the busier the
day, the louder the screaming. I see behavior in court that I would
never see in any other public place. I always counsel my clients not to
engage their spouse in any type of communication that might set off an
argument. In some cases where I know there is going to be trouble I
even ask my client to wait on a different floor, other wing, or even in
the car. Sometimes however, you find yourself in a moment you least
expect!
While settling a case in court the other day, we were just
about to sign an agreement when suddenly my client became very upset.
My client had always been very quiet and composed in court. Instead of
signing her name, she took the pen and pointed it directly into her
husband's face. He stared at her blankly. In a cracking voice she told
him, "I gave you the best years of my life!" He said nothing and then
she signed. I think she was hoping to get some kind of recognition,
apology, or quite frankly...anything. He didn't flinch.
When it
was all over, I said to her, he was a jerk and you didn't give him the
best years of your life. He gave you the worst of yours, and it's over
now. I wanted her to see that at that very moment she was the author of
what I like to call "Part 2" of her life. That pen she had used to
sign her name and end her marriage had also given her a new life, one
that she had co-authored with me, setting forth the terms of where she
would live, what assets she received, and what she could expect from
him-what was required of him, contractually. Before that, he called all
the shots and she never really knew what was coming next or when. He
had always handled all the financials and she had very little
involvement. It was certainly overwhelming but at the same time, very
liberating.
Now I know and understand that you will never truly
be rid of your ex, and that he may in fact be around and continue to
haunt you long after the divorce, but the notion that we gave anyone the
"best years" of our life is just one that doesn't sit well with me.
It's almost like saying we have nothing left to enjoy or give or
receive. It's victory for him, a feather in his hat, and why should
you, even if you do feel that way, give him that power? Even worse, if
you perceive it to be true, he never saw it, never apprecited it, and
certainly won't now.
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