HOLIDAY HOPSCOTCH

With Thanksgiving just a few weeks away, it's starting already...sadly, the holiday games begin.

The emails, letters, phone calls, meetings, and threatened court action have all begun.  What's all the fuss? Where will Johnny or Suzie be this year for Thanksgiving? The truth is that most want to be with both their parents, and all their family.  The reality is that for most, that will not be the case.  

Your little one is going to get tossed, and you are going to have to carefully and artfully hop and jump through the course all while staying in the lines.  So how can you ensure that you don't lose your turn and reach 'safe'?

Start Early:  The holidays all come around on the same day or time of the year.  You know which ones are important to you, and you know which ones you had last.  List the holidays out, think about which days you would like, and as early as possible, send your spouse (or lawyer) your proposal.  Don't wait until the week of the upcoming holiday to first discuss a schedule.  If you can't work something out, you may end up in court, and realistically, with holidays and vacations, if your spouse's lawyer or your lawyer is not around, you just may find that getting to court is not so easy.

Prioritize:  Most holidays are almost always alternated year to year between parents.  However, some holidays may be more important to you or your spouse than others.  Think about which holidays you may want to designate as yours, and which ones you may be willing to trade or give up.  Yes, Veteran's Day may be a holiday, but is it important to you? Are you able to spend that day with your children? Is it a day you want to have for the sake of having? Is this a day you might be able to give up to get something in return?

Be Creative: Yes, holidays are all about tradition, and maybe you have had a family tradition for years and years, but don't get stuck on the principal of your tradition at the expense of your or your children's joy.  Divorce brings change-some good, some bad, and some just different.  Perhaps your tradition was to celebrate with a "dinner" and now, at least every other year, you may celebrate with a "brunch."  It's no secret that I'm a divorced mom, and I can tell you that I've had "Thanksgiving" on a Wednesday night before, complete with Turkey and a house full of guests.  No, this doesn't work for all the holidays, but for some or many it does, and believe me, the kids will be thankful for a wonderful and happy gathering on a Wednesday than a sad and bitter Thursday dinner.

Play fair:  If you had one holiday last year, then your spouse will have that holiday this year.  Absent some extraordinary circumstances, this is the way a Court is going to handle it, so save yourself the stress, tears and money you are sure to lose. 

Once you've worked out your schedule, make sure you put it in writing, and if you're in litigation, speak to your attorney about making that schedule an "Order."  This will take time, so again, make sure you start early.  Getting the schedule in writing not only protects your rights this year, but establishes a precedent for next year, or at the very least clarifies who had which holidays this year.

The holidays should be fun and wonderful time for you to enjoy with the ones you love.  Don't let what should be a festive time for your children be ruined.  You're all going through a hard time as it is.

IT'S HAMMER-TIME ON TWITTER FOR DIVORCING PARENTS: KIDS TWEET AND IT AINT SWEET!

"Back in the day" when kids were going through their parents divorce, their options for expressing opinions was relegated to telling their friends, writing in their diaries, or maybe, if they had one, telling their therapist.  Today, kids have so many options and believe me, they're talking! They're talking about YOU and their talking about how YOU are acting in this divorce.  They are watching everything you do, and everything you say.  And from what I've read, they're really fed up and disgusted.

There's a great lesson to be learned from these kids, and I think we can all learn a thing or two.  No, they don't have all the facts; no, they don't know how it feels for you (nor do they care- remember we are talking about kids!); but yes, they do make some great observations, and yes, their thoughts are worth considering the next time you say or do something in this divorce. 

Here are some actual un-edited "tweets" coming right from kids:

The worst part about having divorced parents is feeling like an object to be fought over. #leavemeoutofit#please

If you don't have divorced parents you do not have the right to complain about anything ever. Nothing worse than catty adults.

Having divorced parents is probably one of the most stressful things

One of the worst things about divorced parents is when one makes a negative comment about the other and you have to defend them

Every day is a struggle with divorced parents I swear

I can't stand having divorced parents! I don't want to hear your problems with one another. It's us kids who are stuck in the middle of it.

I have divorced parents so I'm used to people I depend on bickering and ignoring my needs.

Only people with divorced parents know how difficult and confusing holidays can be.

I could go on, and on, but I think this is plenty.  Is this you? Could this be your kid? Is this how you want to be seen? Didn't think so.

EX MARKS THE SPOT

The Path to divorce is never direct, but the end of the road always leads to becoming an "Ex."  And that is, after all, the goal.  This got me thinking about that expression where "X" marks the "spot," that coveted place where the treasure is hidden or the destination is reached.  We never really focus on the road or path to it because we know with certainty where that road ends.  In divorce however, it's often just the opposite.  Focus is not on the end, but mainly the path.  When focus is on the path, becoming an "Ex" gets further and further away.

In doing my homework I found this great image on Google.  I can't give credit to the artist because no name was found, but it's as if this artist drew this map exactly for divorce.  It's one part maze, one part rollercoaster,  and let's face it, though both can be fun, after a while we get confused, frustrated and even sick.  For those of us who hate rollercoasters, it's even worse. What I love most about this image is how much the end stands out, reminding us that no matter how winding, circling and dashed the path may be, that "Ex" indeed marks the spot for the end of that dizzying road.

READY, AIM, BACKFIRE!!

Funny how those carefully plotted divorce tactics can backfire.  The other day I was reading a comment posted by a woman going through a divorce who was devastated that among other things, her husband was telling her prospective employers that his soon to be ex-wife, though a co-founder and fundamental contributor to their successful business, had been only an employee with menial duties.  Somewhere in his mind he must have thought that by keeping her from getting a good job he was ruining her life.  From her perspective he was "winning the battle," making her feel overwhelmed, insecure, and fearful for her future.  From my perspective, his dastardly deeds were paving the way for a great claim to keep him on the hook for spousal support.

Over the years I have seen countless backfires that have not only stripped the wrongdoers of their arsenal, but strengthened their enemies post!  Here are just a few...

The Husband who planted a listening device into his wife's car hoping to get evidence to use against her and later found himself facing criminal charges.

The Wife who went on a pre-divorce credit card spending spree to punish her cheating husband and later found herself paying for the debt she unreasonably created.

The  Husband who claimed his Wife's car was "destroyed" to keep her stranded and was ordered to get her a new one.

The Wife who shouted at the husband that she would "lie in court" to get him out of the house and did not know she was being legally recorded by the Husband who would later play that tape in Court.

The Husband who tried to destroy his Wife's home oil tank by pouring water in it only to be discovered coming out of the bushes by his humiliated teenage daughter and shocked friends.

Yes, these are all real, and just those that come off the top of my head.  I am sure I have plenty more in the archives but I think the message is pretty clear.  The next time you find yourself scheming of ways to hurt your spouse, make sure it doesn't blow up in your face.

WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET A DIVORCE?

The answer boils down to pretty much one of three things: you're difficult, your spouse is difficult or the lawyers are difficult.

You're Difficult.  Yes, you are.  You may think you're not, but chances are you really are.  It's okay to be difficult.  This is your life and your divorce.  You have a lot at stake with the outcome of this divorce.  You can have as many questions as you like, insist on detailed answers and explanations.  You can take all the time you need to understand the process.  You can demand all kinds of information.  You can struggle with making decisions and choices.  You and your spouse are separating both physically and emotionally.  The things you had control over in your marriage are no longer in your control.  This can create a lot of resistance and difficulty.  This is normal and may cause you to be difficult.  Like I said, it's okay to be difficult.  Don't deny it or think it is a bad thing, but don't be disappointed when your divorce is hard or seems to take a long time.  As I always say to my clients, it took twenty (20) years to make this marriage, how long do you think it should take to end it? 

You're Spouse is Difficult.  Yes, he or she is also difficult, and that's okay too.  You're spouse is going through all of the same things as you, except he or she sees things from the standpoint of how it is going to affect him or her, not you.  The two of you saw things differently in your marriage and that is why you are getting divorced.  Whenever things get difficult in the divorce, my clients usually begin their sentence with "why can't he/she just..." and the answer is "because he/she can't."  Just like your husband or wife didn't do "the right thing" in the marriage, he/she can't do the "right thing" in your divorce.  Maybe what you think is "the right thing" really is right, and maybe it is not.  Either way, you have to lower your expectation as to what you think your spouse should be doing.

The Lawyers are Difficult.  What you wanted in a lawyer is what you are going to get.  If you wanted a "top gun" barracuda to go after your spouse with a vengeance your divorce is going to be long and hard.  Somewhere in the beginning you may have felt that way, but soon into it, you sensed that maybe it was not the best route.  In these cases divorces often become personalized and no one gets the result they need or want.  If you wanted an inexpensive lawyer or worse, a family friend or relative who would do your divorce cheaply or for free to save time and money, you are going to pay a lot more than legal fees.  The inexpensive lawyer may be inexperienced and therefore cost you thousands of dollars in errors and the family friend or relative may also personalize the divorce or put it on the back burner since it's a "favor;" either way, you can bet your divorce is going to be hard.

By now you know that I usually have an exception to all my musings about divorce, so here it is: sometimes you are not the difficult one, have a great lawyer and it really is your spouse who is the difficult one.  When that happens, there is not much you can do except remind yourself as to why you are getting divorced from him/her and be happy that long as it may take, and hard as it may be, eventually, you will be divorced!

FROM "I WILL SURVIVE" TO "I WILL THRIVE!"

Who doesn't know Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" infamous anthem?  Ironically the hit song was released in October of 1978, 35 years ago! Yet it is a song that lives on and continues to played on the airwaves.  It is as  if on cue, that the minute the song begins to play, women jump out of their seats, storm the dance floor and begin raising their hands in the air as they shout the words to the song.  I am one of those women, and as I woke up this morning, just the thought of the song made me smile and jump out of bed.

The song of course is about a devastating break up and the lyrics take you across the singer's plight from fearful and feeling sorry for herself to her ultimate declaration that she will survive.  She takes personal inventory of herself, realizes who she is, how much she has to offer, and commands her jerk of a love to go marching out the door.  It's truly a great song, and I think that almost every woman can relate to a time in her life when she went through the same thing. 

As I relate this song to divorce, the theme is essentially the same.  Yes, you will survive.  In the context of moving on, the focus of course is not to find someone new to love, but to find love for yourself, pick up the pieces of your seemingly broken life, and re-build.  I invite you to look in the mirror and see that "somebody new;" to take stock of all your wonderful qualities and abilities, and to focus on writing a new story for yourself.

Of course you will survive.  The definition of the word "survive" is to continue to live or exist.  Compare that to the definition of the word "thrive" which is to prosper, grow vigorously or flourish.  So the next time you hear Gloria's song, I hope you will join me in shouting, or at the very least thinking, "I will thrive!"

CHILDREN ARE NOT PRISONERS AND YOU ARE NOT THE WARDEN!

So much for not writing about "the kids" but this week's events just made that impossible.  I received a letter from an attorney on Friday at about 3:00.  It literally stated that her client would "not be releasing" the children for visitation this weekend.  It appears that her client had grave concerns about her ex-husband's "behavior."  My response?  Children are not prisoners whom your client can release at her whim. 

It's true and it goes both ways.  One parent cannot simply refuse to let the children go, and the other cannot refuse to bring them back.  Sadly, this happens all too often.

A court order of visitation is just that, an order.  It cannot be violated because a father or a mother thinks that his or her judgment overrides that of the court.  There are mechanisms to get things changed, and if you think there is a problem, you need to go to court or find a way to get the order modified legally.  In legal terms, when you take matters into your own hands, we call that "self-help" and that is a no-no.  Now of course if your spouse shows up at your door drunk with the car keys in hand you are not going to put the children in his/her car.  Likewise, if you return the children to the other parent and he/she is intoxicated or passed out on the couch you cannot just leave them.  I am not talking about life threatening dangers.  I am talking about parents who don't like something that his/her ex-spouse is saying or doing and thus decides that it's time to pull the plug on access to the children.  I've seen this happen when a parent does not like the fact that the other parent has, for example, taken the children to visit a relative that the other parent dislikes, to a certain movie, or sporting event and anything else that the other parent doesn't "approve of."  Likewise, I have seen parents refuse to bring children home for similar reasons.

Engaging in "self help" is never the solution.  There are legal ways to effectuate changes that are necessary to the well being of the children.  They may be lengthy and costly, but if you are that concerned, then you need to seek those routes. 

A Judge is never happy when a parent takes matters into his or her own hands.    And even if you have the best of intentions, or really are concerned, if a Judge does not agree that the situation was dangerous to your child, you are the one who will be in the hot seat.