Divorce changes everything. Once you reach the "other side" you will notice certain behaviors by the people in your life that are just mind blowing. Sometimes we may just be overly sensitive to things, but most times, it's the reality of the change. Some married people tend to be threatened by the divorced people around them. I haven't done any research and can't say whether it's a phenomena, but based on countless conversations I've had with clients, colleagues, friends and my own personal experience, I can tell you it's true. Is this a modern day caste system? Perhaps.
While having dinner with a colleague the other night we talked about this "phenomena" and how disturbing it is. He shared with me that while close to many of the married guys in his community, once he and his wife announced their split, that they suddenly and mysteriously began to disappear from his life. Ouch. It seems that their wives had either aligned themselves with the former "Mrs." or that they had been specifically instructed, threatened or warned that they better not hang out with their "newly single" buddy. My colleague was dumb founded. Whereas he was once known as a "great guy" in the community, actively involved in school sports and events, looking out for his friends and neighbors, and socializing with their families, was he no longer a good person because he was divorced? While this made no sense to him, and evades all logical and rational thinking, this is what the married community concluded. While the married wives may have been the impetus to the exile, the married husbands were equally guilty of carrying out this divorce discrimination.
I can recall myself being afraid of how I might be received when I relocated myself and three daughters to our new home as the newly divorced neighbor on the block of nearly all intact families. Upon meeting one neighbor, with whom I have become extremely close and is one of my best friends, and who was at the time also recently separated, jestingly told me to stay away from her boyfriend at the local gym. Nice way to start a relationship! Since then, like I said, we have become great friends and still laugh about our initial meeting. Fortunately, the neighbors on the block were all very welcoming and caring. We have been through all kinds of changes and losses on the block since my arrival nearly ten (10) years ago, and never once, did my children or I feel different. This was not the case in our bigger world, as we did feel the loss of former neighbors and friends who remained married and no longer chose to socialize with us. The phase out was gradual and initially was justified by the geographic distance, but after too many empty promises about "getting together soon" and unreturned phone calls, the message was pretty clear.
As adults we can chalk up these unpleasant and hurtful run-ins to a host of explanations, but when it comes to children, they are not as well equipped as we are to handle these situations. I can recall two of my three daughters having very unpleasant experiences at school. In one case my oldest daughter got into an argument with a girl in her class over who knows what...after going back and forth for a bit the argument ended when this girl said to my daughter, "at least my parents aren't divorced and they love me!" Now where on earth do you suppose this girl got the message that divorced parents don't love their children?? My second daughter came home crying from school one day after her teacher, for reasons inexplicable, decided to take a "survey" in her classroom and asked the children how many of their parents were divorced. It seems my daughter was the only one who raised her hand and simultaneously her eyes began to well. While I am sure the teacher was "well meaning" she clearly didn't calculate the effects this might have on her students. At that very moment, my daughter was isolated and clearly put into the caste of children from divorced homes.
Divorce brings all kinds of changes and losses. While most people focus on the loss of the immediate nuclear family and the finances, we often don't realize the profound effect of the extended losses which includes our in-law parents, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces, and cousins. Add to that the loss of neighbors and couple friends (including their children who often played with ours) and soon an entire network of our support system has been eradicated, leaving us to begin anew.
Divorce is not a disease. It's not contagious. Divorced moms, dads and children are like everyone else. We love our family, value our friendships, and give to our community. In a society already divided in so many ways, it is critical that we keep ALL our families strong.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
HOW TO SUCCEED AT YOUR DIVORCE RESOLOLUTION
Happy New Year! By the end of next week I will probably have received at least half a dozen phone calls from prospective new clients eager to see me. It happens every year. In the past I thought it was simply a matter of timing. Unhappy couples wanted to get through the holidays and hence, from Thanksgiving through New Year's Eve, we divorce attorneys typically are not busy commencing divorce proceedings. Reflecting on my upcoming week, I started to think that perhaps there is something more to this specific timing. Yes, perhaps those unhappy couples were riding out the last few weeks of their miserable existence for the sake of the kids, family, or whomever else they wanted to appease (including themselves), but more likely than not, I have concluded that like all the other "resolutions" that top the list, getting a divorce is one of them.
From the research I have done, resolutions are all about improving quality of life. Among them are losing weight, quitting smoking, drinking, organizing finances, the home, and simply enjoying life more. Statistics tell us that half the population makes resolutions, and half of them fail.
If getting a divorce is your New Year's resolution, how can you succeed?
First, make sure you are ready. Yes, I know, you have waited patiently all year for this day to come, but even now you may not be ready. A New Year's resolution does not have to begin on January 1st. Perhaps January 1st is the day you start doing your "prep work."
Next, do your homework, aka prep work. I cannot tell you the number of people that I see each year who cannot answer the most basic of questions such as what did your spouse earn last year? You are going to have to snoop around. You need to know where your tax return is and have a copy of it. You are going to have to know what bills you have and what bank accounts there are. If you do not know, start checking the return addresses that come to the house on bills or statements that are not in your name. This is getting harder now in the world of the internet where almost all bills and records are electronic, but you may still find documents and information around the house or in the car.
Ask for an attorney referral from a friend, family member or colleague. This is the hardest part. Attorney advertising is rampant on the internet, and everyone is a "super star" on the web. It is hard to figure out who really has the credentials and experience you want. Years in practice is not the best barometer for choosing. It's quality not quantity that you want. From the minute you place the call you should feel good. How is the person on the phone who made the appointment? Was he or she helpful or did you feel like just another caller? Were you able to get an appointment within ten days? Unless the attorney is on vacation, if he or she is too busy to see you within a week or thereabout, that attorney may be too busy to give you the quality of time you need. Was the attorney prompt for your meeting? Was the attorney focused on you or did his or her assistant interrupt your meeting on one or more occasions? You can have "the top" attorney on your case, but if you don't feel like you have a relationship with him or her and feel good when you leave that office, then I assure you the feeling will be exactly the same at the end of the case, and you will not be happy.
Get emotional and financial back up. A divorce is not easy and it is not cheap. Unless you are in therapy or find a good support group, you are not going to be able to focus on yourself, your children, your work, or anything else for that matter. While a divorce may feel like it is your whole life, it is not. Your divorce will end at some point, and the time you lost, and people or things you neglected or lost cannot be replaced. Do not let your divorce consume you, especially if this was YOUR resolution. By definition a resolution is a "firm determination." You must be willing to hold your ground and not let everything else around you- especially yourself- fall apart. As for the finances, most people do not have thousands of dollars stashed away to fund a costly divorce. If you are fortunate enough to have family that can help you, you will need to sit down with them and explain to them what your needs are and how you will repay the debt. If you do not have family to help you, then you will need to start saving. Again, perhaps your resolution begins by saving money. If you cannot save, then you may have to resort to a credit card or loan. Harsh as it may seem, reality is that divorce is costly, even if it is amicable.
Set goals and deadlines. Get yourself a pocket calendar or use your phone to calendar your goals. For example, you may want to get three names of lawyers by January 15th and see at least two of them by January 30th. This is a very simple example, but you get the picture. I am a big believer in writing things down. This includes goals and deadlines- even if they are imaginary when you first write them down.
Stay resolute. If getting a divorce is what you really want, then you must stay focused on getting there and how you want the outcome to be. No, the outcome is not fully within your control but much of it is, as is your mental state as you go through the process. There will be many people, events and issues that may cause you to want to throw in the towel, and if that is what you want to do, then it's okay as long as that is what you choose as best for you. However, if you are truly ready and fully prepared, then you will be able to meet all those challenges that lie ahead and keep your New Year Resolution.
From the research I have done, resolutions are all about improving quality of life. Among them are losing weight, quitting smoking, drinking, organizing finances, the home, and simply enjoying life more. Statistics tell us that half the population makes resolutions, and half of them fail.
If getting a divorce is your New Year's resolution, how can you succeed?
First, make sure you are ready. Yes, I know, you have waited patiently all year for this day to come, but even now you may not be ready. A New Year's resolution does not have to begin on January 1st. Perhaps January 1st is the day you start doing your "prep work."
Next, do your homework, aka prep work. I cannot tell you the number of people that I see each year who cannot answer the most basic of questions such as what did your spouse earn last year? You are going to have to snoop around. You need to know where your tax return is and have a copy of it. You are going to have to know what bills you have and what bank accounts there are. If you do not know, start checking the return addresses that come to the house on bills or statements that are not in your name. This is getting harder now in the world of the internet where almost all bills and records are electronic, but you may still find documents and information around the house or in the car.
Ask for an attorney referral from a friend, family member or colleague. This is the hardest part. Attorney advertising is rampant on the internet, and everyone is a "super star" on the web. It is hard to figure out who really has the credentials and experience you want. Years in practice is not the best barometer for choosing. It's quality not quantity that you want. From the minute you place the call you should feel good. How is the person on the phone who made the appointment? Was he or she helpful or did you feel like just another caller? Were you able to get an appointment within ten days? Unless the attorney is on vacation, if he or she is too busy to see you within a week or thereabout, that attorney may be too busy to give you the quality of time you need. Was the attorney prompt for your meeting? Was the attorney focused on you or did his or her assistant interrupt your meeting on one or more occasions? You can have "the top" attorney on your case, but if you don't feel like you have a relationship with him or her and feel good when you leave that office, then I assure you the feeling will be exactly the same at the end of the case, and you will not be happy.
Get emotional and financial back up. A divorce is not easy and it is not cheap. Unless you are in therapy or find a good support group, you are not going to be able to focus on yourself, your children, your work, or anything else for that matter. While a divorce may feel like it is your whole life, it is not. Your divorce will end at some point, and the time you lost, and people or things you neglected or lost cannot be replaced. Do not let your divorce consume you, especially if this was YOUR resolution. By definition a resolution is a "firm determination." You must be willing to hold your ground and not let everything else around you- especially yourself- fall apart. As for the finances, most people do not have thousands of dollars stashed away to fund a costly divorce. If you are fortunate enough to have family that can help you, you will need to sit down with them and explain to them what your needs are and how you will repay the debt. If you do not have family to help you, then you will need to start saving. Again, perhaps your resolution begins by saving money. If you cannot save, then you may have to resort to a credit card or loan. Harsh as it may seem, reality is that divorce is costly, even if it is amicable.
Set goals and deadlines. Get yourself a pocket calendar or use your phone to calendar your goals. For example, you may want to get three names of lawyers by January 15th and see at least two of them by January 30th. This is a very simple example, but you get the picture. I am a big believer in writing things down. This includes goals and deadlines- even if they are imaginary when you first write them down.
Stay resolute. If getting a divorce is what you really want, then you must stay focused on getting there and how you want the outcome to be. No, the outcome is not fully within your control but much of it is, as is your mental state as you go through the process. There will be many people, events and issues that may cause you to want to throw in the towel, and if that is what you want to do, then it's okay as long as that is what you choose as best for you. However, if you are truly ready and fully prepared, then you will be able to meet all those challenges that lie ahead and keep your New Year Resolution.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
She Works Hard for The Money. Should you?
For the woman who is dependent upon her husband for support, her biggest fear is that she will be cut off financially and be unable to support herself, the household or their children. This is a very valid fear. Many women who have, by mutual choice or at their husband's request, given up their careers to become caretakers of their families, whether with children or without, are often left feeling completely vulnerable and insecure when they are served with divorce papers. Likewise, the fear of being financially cut off may prevent a woman from proceeding with a divorce even though she knows she wants to and believes it is best for her and her family. In this state of fear, it is often impossible to make an intelligent decision about how to proceed with respect to re-entering the workforce. As a legal issue, it is imperative that this decision be made together with your attorney if you have one, or at the very least with guidance at a consultation. If you have not yet made the decision to divorce, don't be afraid to make an appointment with an attorney just for a consultation, most of which are free. You are not wasting the attorney's time and are doing an invaluble service for yourself. Most attorneys don't expect that every consult will turn into a case (I certainly don't!) and this is part of what we do.
Since issues of support are unique to the state in which you live, I can't speak specifically to what would happen where you live, but here are some general principles which certainly apply in all circumstances.
1. Don't run out and do ANYTHING within the first month of being served with papers or having papers served on your husband. This is going to be a very difficult and challenging emotional time for you. This is a huge process, and simply stated, you just won't be in the right state of mind to do anything drastic. If you have not worked outside the home for any period of time of one or more years, running out to get a job is drastic. Keep in mind here that I am not talking about a situation where your husband disappears and that you have no resurces whatsoever and will find yourself homeless if you don't act quick. I am talking about the more common scenario where the divorce gets underway and your husband, who has always supported you, starts threatening that he is going to cut you off and that you "need to get a job." It especially amazes me when men who have supported their wives for their entire marriage believe that magically, upon the commencement of divorce, they are supposed to land an incredible position earning as much as their husbands, all while simultaneously having everything at home continue like business as usual. In most instances, husbands who support their wives will be required by law to continue to maintain the status quo while the divorce action is pending. This means to continue to support the household as they did immediately prior to the divorce action commencing.
2. Don't get a job just to get a job. Again, absent extreme circumstances, and provided your husband continues to voluntarily support you or you obtain a court order directing him to do so, you do not need to run out and "get a job." Instead, what you need to do is start thinking about what you might like to do in the future in terms of a career. If you have abandoned a career and would like to resume it, think about what it might take to get back into that field. If you do not have any desire to return to that line of work, or think there is something different or better for you, start thinking about what next steps you need to take to get there. Do you need any additional education? Training? When I have a client in this position, I find that the Court is very interested in hearing about a "plan" for my client. This is especially helpful in tying it into your request for support. For example, if my client wants to do become a teacher and has some college credits, and we know that she will require at least three (3) years of additional schooling to get her degree and additional credentials, then her request for three to five years of support is fair and reasonable, and a Court likely to consider that. If instead, there is no plan or basis, then a Court can simply decide on factors that it believes are reasonable, and a support duration might be shorter. Even worse, by taking that mediocre job you may remove yourself from the support pool altogether.
3. Don't sell yourself short. Don't think that you need to "prove" to your husband that you don't need him or his money. You are going to have a lot on your plate. You are going to have to run a household on a single income, with a single source of time and energy: YOU. Even if you can "do it all" you should not because you need that time and energy to focus on you, your children and this divorce. There are going to be expenses that you didn't even think of. Your children are going to need more of you than ever before. This is part two of the rest of your life. Take the time necessary to prepare yourself on all levels, and give your future career choices a lot of thought. Think about what will bring the best result for you and your children because that is what matters most.
Since issues of support are unique to the state in which you live, I can't speak specifically to what would happen where you live, but here are some general principles which certainly apply in all circumstances.
1. Don't run out and do ANYTHING within the first month of being served with papers or having papers served on your husband. This is going to be a very difficult and challenging emotional time for you. This is a huge process, and simply stated, you just won't be in the right state of mind to do anything drastic. If you have not worked outside the home for any period of time of one or more years, running out to get a job is drastic. Keep in mind here that I am not talking about a situation where your husband disappears and that you have no resurces whatsoever and will find yourself homeless if you don't act quick. I am talking about the more common scenario where the divorce gets underway and your husband, who has always supported you, starts threatening that he is going to cut you off and that you "need to get a job." It especially amazes me when men who have supported their wives for their entire marriage believe that magically, upon the commencement of divorce, they are supposed to land an incredible position earning as much as their husbands, all while simultaneously having everything at home continue like business as usual. In most instances, husbands who support their wives will be required by law to continue to maintain the status quo while the divorce action is pending. This means to continue to support the household as they did immediately prior to the divorce action commencing.
2. Don't get a job just to get a job. Again, absent extreme circumstances, and provided your husband continues to voluntarily support you or you obtain a court order directing him to do so, you do not need to run out and "get a job." Instead, what you need to do is start thinking about what you might like to do in the future in terms of a career. If you have abandoned a career and would like to resume it, think about what it might take to get back into that field. If you do not have any desire to return to that line of work, or think there is something different or better for you, start thinking about what next steps you need to take to get there. Do you need any additional education? Training? When I have a client in this position, I find that the Court is very interested in hearing about a "plan" for my client. This is especially helpful in tying it into your request for support. For example, if my client wants to do become a teacher and has some college credits, and we know that she will require at least three (3) years of additional schooling to get her degree and additional credentials, then her request for three to five years of support is fair and reasonable, and a Court likely to consider that. If instead, there is no plan or basis, then a Court can simply decide on factors that it believes are reasonable, and a support duration might be shorter. Even worse, by taking that mediocre job you may remove yourself from the support pool altogether.
3. Don't sell yourself short. Don't think that you need to "prove" to your husband that you don't need him or his money. You are going to have a lot on your plate. You are going to have to run a household on a single income, with a single source of time and energy: YOU. Even if you can "do it all" you should not because you need that time and energy to focus on you, your children and this divorce. There are going to be expenses that you didn't even think of. Your children are going to need more of you than ever before. This is part two of the rest of your life. Take the time necessary to prepare yourself on all levels, and give your future career choices a lot of thought. Think about what will bring the best result for you and your children because that is what matters most.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
HOLIDAY HOPSCOTCH
With Thanksgiving just a few weeks away, it's starting already...sadly, the holiday games begin.
The emails, letters, phone calls, meetings, and threatened court action have all begun. What's all the fuss? Where will Johnny or Suzie be this year for Thanksgiving? The truth is that most want to be with both their parents, and all their family. The reality is that for most, that will not be the case.
Your little one is going to get tossed, and you are going to have to carefully and artfully hop and jump through the course all while staying in the lines. So how can you ensure that you don't lose your turn and reach 'safe'?
Start Early: The holidays all come around on the same day or time of the year. You know which ones are important to you, and you know which ones you had last. List the holidays out, think about which days you would like, and as early as possible, send your spouse (or lawyer) your proposal. Don't wait until the week of the upcoming holiday to first discuss a schedule. If you can't work something out, you may end up in court, and realistically, with holidays and vacations, if your spouse's lawyer or your lawyer is not around, you just may find that getting to court is not so easy.
Prioritize: Most holidays are almost always alternated year to year between parents. However, some holidays may be more important to you or your spouse than others. Think about which holidays you may want to designate as yours, and which ones you may be willing to trade or give up. Yes, Veteran's Day may be a holiday, but is it important to you? Are you able to spend that day with your children? Is it a day you want to have for the sake of having? Is this a day you might be able to give up to get something in return?
Be Creative: Yes, holidays are all about tradition, and maybe you have had a family tradition for years and years, but don't get stuck on the principal of your tradition at the expense of your or your children's joy. Divorce brings change-some good, some bad, and some just different. Perhaps your tradition was to celebrate with a "dinner" and now, at least every other year, you may celebrate with a "brunch." It's no secret that I'm a divorced mom, and I can tell you that I've had "Thanksgiving" on a Wednesday night before, complete with Turkey and a house full of guests. No, this doesn't work for all the holidays, but for some or many it does, and believe me, the kids will be thankful for a wonderful and happy gathering on a Wednesday than a sad and bitter Thursday dinner.
Play fair: If you had one holiday last year, then your spouse will have that holiday this year. Absent some extraordinary circumstances, this is the way a Court is going to handle it, so save yourself the stress, tears and money you are sure to lose.
Once you've worked out your schedule, make sure you put it in writing, and if you're in litigation, speak to your attorney about making that schedule an "Order." This will take time, so again, make sure you start early. Getting the schedule in writing not only protects your rights this year, but establishes a precedent for next year, or at the very least clarifies who had which holidays this year.
The holidays should be fun and wonderful time for you to enjoy with the ones you love. Don't let what should be a festive time for your children be ruined. You're all going through a hard time as it is.
The emails, letters, phone calls, meetings, and threatened court action have all begun. What's all the fuss? Where will Johnny or Suzie be this year for Thanksgiving? The truth is that most want to be with both their parents, and all their family. The reality is that for most, that will not be the case.
Your little one is going to get tossed, and you are going to have to carefully and artfully hop and jump through the course all while staying in the lines. So how can you ensure that you don't lose your turn and reach 'safe'?
Start Early: The holidays all come around on the same day or time of the year. You know which ones are important to you, and you know which ones you had last. List the holidays out, think about which days you would like, and as early as possible, send your spouse (or lawyer) your proposal. Don't wait until the week of the upcoming holiday to first discuss a schedule. If you can't work something out, you may end up in court, and realistically, with holidays and vacations, if your spouse's lawyer or your lawyer is not around, you just may find that getting to court is not so easy.
Prioritize: Most holidays are almost always alternated year to year between parents. However, some holidays may be more important to you or your spouse than others. Think about which holidays you may want to designate as yours, and which ones you may be willing to trade or give up. Yes, Veteran's Day may be a holiday, but is it important to you? Are you able to spend that day with your children? Is it a day you want to have for the sake of having? Is this a day you might be able to give up to get something in return?
Be Creative: Yes, holidays are all about tradition, and maybe you have had a family tradition for years and years, but don't get stuck on the principal of your tradition at the expense of your or your children's joy. Divorce brings change-some good, some bad, and some just different. Perhaps your tradition was to celebrate with a "dinner" and now, at least every other year, you may celebrate with a "brunch." It's no secret that I'm a divorced mom, and I can tell you that I've had "Thanksgiving" on a Wednesday night before, complete with Turkey and a house full of guests. No, this doesn't work for all the holidays, but for some or many it does, and believe me, the kids will be thankful for a wonderful and happy gathering on a Wednesday than a sad and bitter Thursday dinner.
Play fair: If you had one holiday last year, then your spouse will have that holiday this year. Absent some extraordinary circumstances, this is the way a Court is going to handle it, so save yourself the stress, tears and money you are sure to lose.
Once you've worked out your schedule, make sure you put it in writing, and if you're in litigation, speak to your attorney about making that schedule an "Order." This will take time, so again, make sure you start early. Getting the schedule in writing not only protects your rights this year, but establishes a precedent for next year, or at the very least clarifies who had which holidays this year.
The holidays should be fun and wonderful time for you to enjoy with the ones you love. Don't let what should be a festive time for your children be ruined. You're all going through a hard time as it is.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
IT'S HAMMER-TIME ON TWITTER FOR DIVORCING PARENTS: KIDS TWEET AND IT AINT SWEET!
"Back in the day" when kids were going through their parents divorce, their options for expressing opinions was relegated to telling their friends, writing in their diaries, or maybe, if they had one, telling their therapist. Today, kids have so many options and believe me, they're talking! They're talking about YOU and their talking about how YOU are acting in this divorce. They are watching everything you do, and everything you say. And from what I've read, they're really fed up and disgusted.
There's a great lesson to be learned from these kids, and I think we can all learn a thing or two. No, they don't have all the facts; no, they don't know how it feels for you (nor do they care- remember we are talking about kids!); but yes, they do make some great observations, and yes, their thoughts are worth considering the next time you say or do something in this divorce.
Here are some actual un-edited "tweets" coming right from kids:
The worst part about having divorced parents is feeling like an object to be fought over. #leavemeoutofit#please
If you don't have divorced parents you do not have the right to complain about anything ever. Nothing worse than catty adults.
Having divorced parents is probably one of the most stressful things
One of the worst things about divorced parents is when one makes a negative comment about the other and you have to defend them
Every day is a struggle with divorced parents I swear
I can't stand having divorced parents! I don't want to hear your problems with one another. It's us kids who are stuck in the middle of it.
I have divorced parents so I'm used to people I depend on bickering and ignoring my needs.
Only people with divorced parents know how difficult and confusing holidays can be.
I could go on, and on, but I think this is plenty. Is this you? Could this be your kid? Is this how you want to be seen? Didn't think so.
There's a great lesson to be learned from these kids, and I think we can all learn a thing or two. No, they don't have all the facts; no, they don't know how it feels for you (nor do they care- remember we are talking about kids!); but yes, they do make some great observations, and yes, their thoughts are worth considering the next time you say or do something in this divorce.
Here are some actual un-edited "tweets" coming right from kids:
The worst part about having divorced parents is feeling like an object to be fought over. #leavemeoutofit#please
If you don't have divorced parents you do not have the right to complain about anything ever. Nothing worse than catty adults.
Having divorced parents is probably one of the most stressful things
One of the worst things about divorced parents is when one makes a negative comment about the other and you have to defend them
Every day is a struggle with divorced parents I swear
I can't stand having divorced parents! I don't want to hear your problems with one another. It's us kids who are stuck in the middle of it.
I have divorced parents so I'm used to people I depend on bickering and ignoring my needs.
Only people with divorced parents know how difficult and confusing holidays can be.
I could go on, and on, but I think this is plenty. Is this you? Could this be your kid? Is this how you want to be seen? Didn't think so.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
EX MARKS THE SPOT
In doing my homework I found this great image on Google. I can't give credit to the artist because no name was found, but it's as if this artist drew this map exactly for divorce. It's one part maze, one part rollercoaster, and let's face it, though both can be fun, after a while we get confused, frustrated and even sick. For those of us who hate rollercoasters, it's even worse. What I love most about this image is how much the end stands out, reminding us that no matter how winding, circling and dashed the path may be, that "Ex" indeed marks the spot for the end of that dizzying road.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
READY, AIM, BACKFIRE!!
Funny how those carefully plotted divorce tactics can backfire. The other day I was reading a comment posted by a woman going through a divorce who was devastated that among other things, her husband was telling her prospective employers that his soon to be ex-wife, though a co-founder and fundamental contributor to their successful business, had been only an employee with menial duties. Somewhere in his mind he must have thought that by keeping her from getting a good job he was ruining her life. From her perspective he was "winning the battle," making her feel overwhelmed, insecure, and fearful for her future. From my perspective, his dastardly deeds were paving the way for a great claim to keep him on the hook for spousal support.
Over the years I have seen countless backfires that have not only stripped the wrongdoers of their arsenal, but strengthened their enemies post! Here are just a few...
The Husband who planted a listening device into his wife's car hoping to get evidence to use against her and later found himself facing criminal charges.
The Wife who went on a pre-divorce credit card spending spree to punish her cheating husband and later found herself paying for the debt she unreasonably created.
The Husband who claimed his Wife's car was "destroyed" to keep her stranded and was ordered to get her a new one.
The Wife who shouted at the husband that she would "lie in court" to get him out of the house and did not know she was being legally recorded by the Husband who would later play that tape in Court.
The Husband who tried to destroy his Wife's home oil tank by pouring water in it only to be discovered coming out of the bushes by his humiliated teenage daughter and shocked friends.
Yes, these are all real, and just those that come off the top of my head. I am sure I have plenty more in the archives but I think the message is pretty clear. The next time you find yourself scheming of ways to hurt your spouse, make sure it doesn't blow up in your face.
Over the years I have seen countless backfires that have not only stripped the wrongdoers of their arsenal, but strengthened their enemies post! Here are just a few...
The Husband who planted a listening device into his wife's car hoping to get evidence to use against her and later found himself facing criminal charges.
The Wife who went on a pre-divorce credit card spending spree to punish her cheating husband and later found herself paying for the debt she unreasonably created.
The Husband who claimed his Wife's car was "destroyed" to keep her stranded and was ordered to get her a new one.
The Wife who shouted at the husband that she would "lie in court" to get him out of the house and did not know she was being legally recorded by the Husband who would later play that tape in Court.
The Husband who tried to destroy his Wife's home oil tank by pouring water in it only to be discovered coming out of the bushes by his humiliated teenage daughter and shocked friends.
Yes, these are all real, and just those that come off the top of my head. I am sure I have plenty more in the archives but I think the message is pretty clear. The next time you find yourself scheming of ways to hurt your spouse, make sure it doesn't blow up in your face.
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