Divorce is both an end and a beginning. It marks the end of a
marriage and the beginning of a new life, identity, and existence. For
some clients, it's a process that marks the beginning of their
"liberation" and for others, the end of a life they wish they could hold
on to. For the client that did not choose the divorce, this end can be
very painful, and their hurt, masked as anger, can lead them to act in
ways that are self-destructive and sabotaging.
Divorce Court is
not a private place, not even close. Indeed, not only is it a public
venue, but quite literally a stage for every onlooker who happens to be
there. Courts are filled with divorcing husbands and wives, their
lawyers, friends, family members, and of course, the court personnel,
including the Judges, Clerks, Court Officers, and Cleaning Staff. On a
daily basis you can stroll the court halls and find couples shouting at
each other, cursing, and pointing fingers. It seems that the busier the
day, the louder the screaming. I see behavior in court that I would
never see in any other public place. I always counsel my clients not to
engage their spouse in any type of communication that might set off an
argument. In some cases where I know there is going to be trouble I
even ask my client to wait on a different floor, other wing, or even in
the car. Sometimes however, you find yourself in a moment you least
expect!
While settling a case in court the other day, we were just
about to sign an agreement when suddenly my client became very upset.
My client had always been very quiet and composed in court. Instead of
signing her name, she took the pen and pointed it directly into her
husband's face. He stared at her blankly. In a cracking voice she told
him, "I gave you the best years of my life!" He said nothing and then
she signed. I think she was hoping to get some kind of recognition,
apology, or quite frankly...anything. He didn't flinch.
When it
was all over, I said to her, he was a jerk and you didn't give him the
best years of your life. He gave you the worst of yours, and it's over
now. I wanted her to see that at that very moment she was the author of
what I like to call "Part 2" of her life. That pen she had used to
sign her name and end her marriage had also given her a new life, one
that she had co-authored with me, setting forth the terms of where she
would live, what assets she received, and what she could expect from
him-what was required of him, contractually. Before that, he called all
the shots and she never really knew what was coming next or when. He
had always handled all the financials and she had very little
involvement. It was certainly overwhelming but at the same time, very
liberating.
Now I know and understand that you will never truly
be rid of your ex, and that he may in fact be around and continue to
haunt you long after the divorce, but the notion that we gave anyone the
"best years" of our life is just one that doesn't sit well with me.
It's almost like saying we have nothing left to enjoy or give or
receive. It's victory for him, a feather in his hat, and why should
you, even if you do feel that way, give him that power? Even worse, if
you perceive it to be true, he never saw it, never apprecited it, and
certainly won't now.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Those Three Little Words You Hate to Hear
When will my divorce be over? I don't Know.
Why is he/she doing this to me? I don't Know.
Why is he/she doing this to the kids? I don't Know.
When will he/she realize how wrong this is? I don't Know.
The truth of the matter is that we as lawyers can only answer a very few and specific things for you. As for the bigger picture issues as to whom you thought your spouse was or has now turned out to be; why he or she can't cooperate and do the right thing; why he or she can't be mature; why he or she can't "let things go"- these are things they just don't teach you in law school. I often wonder how on earth I could do this job without having gone through a divorce myself. During these types of question sessions all I really have to offer is my own life experience. I tell my clients that they simply cannot change their spouse. I remind them that all these upsetting behaviors are just a different version of the same behaviors that led to the divorce in the first place.
It's frustrating for me as their attorney to often respond with "I don't know," but in truth, it's the best and most honest answer they will ever get. When I'm feeling more brazen I might even confess that in the legal system no one even cares. I suppose I could fuel the fire and remind them exactly why their spouse is such a self-centered, unreasonable and insane jerk, but what good would that really do? Often times as the observer I get to see that my client's spouse is about ten times worse than the client even realizes, having spent years married to him or her and gotten used to it. Sure, I could spend a whole hour or even afternoon talking about someone's spouse, but no, that won't get you divorced any sooner, won't get you extra money, and in fact, will only cost you!
It pains me to see a client beat him or herself up over these types of questions, and even worse, spend hundreds of dollars talking about it to their lawyers. And here is another painful truth, most lawyers don't really want to hear it anyway but will gladly listen for hours on end if that is how you wish to spend your legal fees. So the next time your lawyer says "I don't know" or "rudely" cuts you off, or tells you he or she doesn't want or need to hear this stuff consider yourself lucky; he or she is just being honest and saving you a lot of time, grief and money!
Why is he/she doing this to me? I don't Know.
Why is he/she doing this to the kids? I don't Know.
When will he/she realize how wrong this is? I don't Know.
The truth of the matter is that we as lawyers can only answer a very few and specific things for you. As for the bigger picture issues as to whom you thought your spouse was or has now turned out to be; why he or she can't cooperate and do the right thing; why he or she can't be mature; why he or she can't "let things go"- these are things they just don't teach you in law school. I often wonder how on earth I could do this job without having gone through a divorce myself. During these types of question sessions all I really have to offer is my own life experience. I tell my clients that they simply cannot change their spouse. I remind them that all these upsetting behaviors are just a different version of the same behaviors that led to the divorce in the first place.
It's frustrating for me as their attorney to often respond with "I don't know," but in truth, it's the best and most honest answer they will ever get. When I'm feeling more brazen I might even confess that in the legal system no one even cares. I suppose I could fuel the fire and remind them exactly why their spouse is such a self-centered, unreasonable and insane jerk, but what good would that really do? Often times as the observer I get to see that my client's spouse is about ten times worse than the client even realizes, having spent years married to him or her and gotten used to it. Sure, I could spend a whole hour or even afternoon talking about someone's spouse, but no, that won't get you divorced any sooner, won't get you extra money, and in fact, will only cost you!
It pains me to see a client beat him or herself up over these types of questions, and even worse, spend hundreds of dollars talking about it to their lawyers. And here is another painful truth, most lawyers don't really want to hear it anyway but will gladly listen for hours on end if that is how you wish to spend your legal fees. So the next time your lawyer says "I don't know" or "rudely" cuts you off, or tells you he or she doesn't want or need to hear this stuff consider yourself lucky; he or she is just being honest and saving you a lot of time, grief and money!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
When a Judge uses the "F" word in court it's not what you think!
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness!
Now that's a hard pill to swallow if you're in divorce court.
I recently had the pleasure of speaking with a very intelligent, thoughtful, empathic, compassionate and practical judge who says it as it is- whether or not her views are the norm or "outside the box" as she prefers to describe it. This is refreshing I think to myself. Most Judges in divorce court these days are a lot more cynical. They've seen and heard way too much to try and get people to "do the right thing." Their words of wisdom and years of experience seemingly fall upon deaf ears day after day, so after a while it becomes useless to try and save divorcing men and women from themselves. Let's face it, any divorce attorney will tell you (or would secretly admit), that if you're in Court, you've gone too far to start using the "F" word. This Judge sees it differently and she's making a difference. She tells litigants that no matter what the past is, it cannot be changed; that we can only move forward, and to do that, we must be willing to forgive each other. After nearly 20 years of divorce experience believe me when I tell you, I've seen some pretty unforgiveable things, and yet, when she talked of forgiveness as the first step to a better outcome, it all made sense.
When divorce is about vengeance it is no longer about you or what is best for you. It becomes about what is worst for your spouse. Your focus and attention is diverted from your goals, your dreams, and your new life. Instead, all of your time, energy and legal fees are spent on trying to make your spouse miserable. When that doesn't work, it is usually you who is left feeling depleted, defeated and drained.
Forgiveness really isn't about the other person; it's about you. It's an act which is meant to allow you to move forward. It doesn't mean you sanction the wrong, understand it or approve of it. It doesn't make you the bigger, better or wiser person. It doesn't make you weaker. It simply means that you are ready to move forward in your direction without being weighed down by all the negative feelings and experiences that your spouse brought you.
The F word is a lot more than Forgiveness. It's Freedom.
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness!
Now that's a hard pill to swallow if you're in divorce court.
I recently had the pleasure of speaking with a very intelligent, thoughtful, empathic, compassionate and practical judge who says it as it is- whether or not her views are the norm or "outside the box" as she prefers to describe it. This is refreshing I think to myself. Most Judges in divorce court these days are a lot more cynical. They've seen and heard way too much to try and get people to "do the right thing." Their words of wisdom and years of experience seemingly fall upon deaf ears day after day, so after a while it becomes useless to try and save divorcing men and women from themselves. Let's face it, any divorce attorney will tell you (or would secretly admit), that if you're in Court, you've gone too far to start using the "F" word. This Judge sees it differently and she's making a difference. She tells litigants that no matter what the past is, it cannot be changed; that we can only move forward, and to do that, we must be willing to forgive each other. After nearly 20 years of divorce experience believe me when I tell you, I've seen some pretty unforgiveable things, and yet, when she talked of forgiveness as the first step to a better outcome, it all made sense.
When divorce is about vengeance it is no longer about you or what is best for you. It becomes about what is worst for your spouse. Your focus and attention is diverted from your goals, your dreams, and your new life. Instead, all of your time, energy and legal fees are spent on trying to make your spouse miserable. When that doesn't work, it is usually you who is left feeling depleted, defeated and drained.
Forgiveness really isn't about the other person; it's about you. It's an act which is meant to allow you to move forward. It doesn't mean you sanction the wrong, understand it or approve of it. It doesn't make you the bigger, better or wiser person. It doesn't make you weaker. It simply means that you are ready to move forward in your direction without being weighed down by all the negative feelings and experiences that your spouse brought you.
The F word is a lot more than Forgiveness. It's Freedom.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Not Sure What to Do? Hit Snooze!
When divorce hits home it's like someone pressed the panic button and all hell has broken loose. Might I suggest an alternative? Hit snooze. Trust me, you'll be glad you took those extra ten minutes.
Rare is the client that walks into my office cool, calm and collected. Even rarer is the client who tells me that she has had time to mourn the end of her marriage, learn from her mistakes, healed her broken heart, considered all the financial implications of her past and future, and is ready to lay out a plan for herself and the future. Nope, not even close. Instead, more often than not, my client is frazzled, distressed, confused, and barely able to get through the first ten minutes of our meeting without a tissue. She has usually "just found out" that her husband has lied, stolen, cheated or whatever the bomb is- and by "just" I mean a few weeks, days or even hours ago.
While it is true that it is important to know your rights and what to do, it is equally important to be able to understand those rights and process what you are being told. I know that often times I am speaking about income, assets, liabilities, ramifications and consequences when my poor client is barely coming out of a state of shock. Absent a life threatening situation, sometimes inaction is the best action. There are many times when simply taking a step back, breathing, and taking care of yourself are much more important than rushing to see an attorney. In many cases in those first few days and weeks following the "announcement" there is nothing that NEEDS to be done. There are of course many exceptions and I am not talking about things like a spouse disappearing from the house with the kids, bank accounts being closed, locks being changed, cars being towed...those things require urgent, immediate attention and action. I am talking about a situation where your seemingly happy and normal ordinary married life is going to change. A situation where your spouse tells you that he's not happy anymore and wants a divorce. Beyond that, he has not done anything else, and other than being emotionally devastated, the household continues to function relatively the same. If this is the case, then you need to wait a while and see where this is all going. In some cases there is very good reason to do nothing, and at the very least, a brief snooze is in order. There are times when I counsel my client that she should not be the one to initiate proceedings or hurry things along just to accommodate her anxious husband who can't wait to move out and eat his bowl of cherries on the other side where the grass seems greener. I tell the husbands the very same thing. There is no need for him to hurry out the door so that his cheating wife can enjoy all the comforts of home with the pool guy while he pays all the expenses.
Divorce is complicated and strategies are best formulated after careful thought and planning. Think of it as when you know you have a big day and set the alarm a little bit early just to give you that extra time and peace of mind.
Rare is the client that walks into my office cool, calm and collected. Even rarer is the client who tells me that she has had time to mourn the end of her marriage, learn from her mistakes, healed her broken heart, considered all the financial implications of her past and future, and is ready to lay out a plan for herself and the future. Nope, not even close. Instead, more often than not, my client is frazzled, distressed, confused, and barely able to get through the first ten minutes of our meeting without a tissue. She has usually "just found out" that her husband has lied, stolen, cheated or whatever the bomb is- and by "just" I mean a few weeks, days or even hours ago.
While it is true that it is important to know your rights and what to do, it is equally important to be able to understand those rights and process what you are being told. I know that often times I am speaking about income, assets, liabilities, ramifications and consequences when my poor client is barely coming out of a state of shock. Absent a life threatening situation, sometimes inaction is the best action. There are many times when simply taking a step back, breathing, and taking care of yourself are much more important than rushing to see an attorney. In many cases in those first few days and weeks following the "announcement" there is nothing that NEEDS to be done. There are of course many exceptions and I am not talking about things like a spouse disappearing from the house with the kids, bank accounts being closed, locks being changed, cars being towed...those things require urgent, immediate attention and action. I am talking about a situation where your seemingly happy and normal ordinary married life is going to change. A situation where your spouse tells you that he's not happy anymore and wants a divorce. Beyond that, he has not done anything else, and other than being emotionally devastated, the household continues to function relatively the same. If this is the case, then you need to wait a while and see where this is all going. In some cases there is very good reason to do nothing, and at the very least, a brief snooze is in order. There are times when I counsel my client that she should not be the one to initiate proceedings or hurry things along just to accommodate her anxious husband who can't wait to move out and eat his bowl of cherries on the other side where the grass seems greener. I tell the husbands the very same thing. There is no need for him to hurry out the door so that his cheating wife can enjoy all the comforts of home with the pool guy while he pays all the expenses.
Divorce is complicated and strategies are best formulated after careful thought and planning. Think of it as when you know you have a big day and set the alarm a little bit early just to give you that extra time and peace of mind.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Divorce Outcast: Divorce is not a Disease and it's not contagious.
Divorce changes everything. Once you reach the "other side" you will notice certain behaviors by the people in your life that are just mind blowing. Sometimes we may just be overly sensitive to things, but most times, it's the reality of the change. Some married people tend to be threatened by the divorced people around them. I haven't done any research and can't say whether it's a phenomena, but based on countless conversations I've had with clients, colleagues, friends and my own personal experience, I can tell you it's true. Is this a modern day caste system? Perhaps.
While having dinner with a colleague the other night we talked about this "phenomena" and how disturbing it is. He shared with me that while close to many of the married guys in his community, once he and his wife announced their split, that they suddenly and mysteriously began to disappear from his life. Ouch. It seems that their wives had either aligned themselves with the former "Mrs." or that they had been specifically instructed, threatened or warned that they better not hang out with their "newly single" buddy. My colleague was dumb founded. Whereas he was once known as a "great guy" in the community, actively involved in school sports and events, looking out for his friends and neighbors, and socializing with their families, was he no longer a good person because he was divorced? While this made no sense to him, and evades all logical and rational thinking, this is what the married community concluded. While the married wives may have been the impetus to the exile, the married husbands were equally guilty of carrying out this divorce discrimination.
I can recall myself being afraid of how I might be received when I relocated myself and three daughters to our new home as the newly divorced neighbor on the block of nearly all intact families. Upon meeting one neighbor, with whom I have become extremely close and is one of my best friends, and who was at the time also recently separated, jestingly told me to stay away from her boyfriend at the local gym. Nice way to start a relationship! Since then, like I said, we have become great friends and still laugh about our initial meeting. Fortunately, the neighbors on the block were all very welcoming and caring. We have been through all kinds of changes and losses on the block since my arrival nearly ten (10) years ago, and never once, did my children or I feel different. This was not the case in our bigger world, as we did feel the loss of former neighbors and friends who remained married and no longer chose to socialize with us. The phase out was gradual and initially was justified by the geographic distance, but after too many empty promises about "getting together soon" and unreturned phone calls, the message was pretty clear.
As adults we can chalk up these unpleasant and hurtful run-ins to a host of explanations, but when it comes to children, they are not as well equipped as we are to handle these situations. I can recall two of my three daughters having very unpleasant experiences at school. In one case my oldest daughter got into an argument with a girl in her class over who knows what...after going back and forth for a bit the argument ended when this girl said to my daughter, "at least my parents aren't divorced and they love me!" Now where on earth do you suppose this girl got the message that divorced parents don't love their children?? My second daughter came home crying from school one day after her teacher, for reasons inexplicable, decided to take a "survey" in her classroom and asked the children how many of their parents were divorced. It seems my daughter was the only one who raised her hand and simultaneously her eyes began to well. While I am sure the teacher was "well meaning" she clearly didn't calculate the effects this might have on her students. At that very moment, my daughter was isolated and clearly put into the caste of children from divorced homes.
Divorce brings all kinds of changes and losses. While most people focus on the loss of the immediate nuclear family and the finances, we often don't realize the profound effect of the extended losses which includes our in-law parents, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces, and cousins. Add to that the loss of neighbors and couple friends (including their children who often played with ours) and soon an entire network of our support system has been eradicated, leaving us to begin anew.
Divorce is not a disease. It's not contagious. Divorced moms, dads and children are like everyone else. We love our family, value our friendships, and give to our community. In a society already divided in so many ways, it is critical that we keep ALL our families strong.
While having dinner with a colleague the other night we talked about this "phenomena" and how disturbing it is. He shared with me that while close to many of the married guys in his community, once he and his wife announced their split, that they suddenly and mysteriously began to disappear from his life. Ouch. It seems that their wives had either aligned themselves with the former "Mrs." or that they had been specifically instructed, threatened or warned that they better not hang out with their "newly single" buddy. My colleague was dumb founded. Whereas he was once known as a "great guy" in the community, actively involved in school sports and events, looking out for his friends and neighbors, and socializing with their families, was he no longer a good person because he was divorced? While this made no sense to him, and evades all logical and rational thinking, this is what the married community concluded. While the married wives may have been the impetus to the exile, the married husbands were equally guilty of carrying out this divorce discrimination.
I can recall myself being afraid of how I might be received when I relocated myself and three daughters to our new home as the newly divorced neighbor on the block of nearly all intact families. Upon meeting one neighbor, with whom I have become extremely close and is one of my best friends, and who was at the time also recently separated, jestingly told me to stay away from her boyfriend at the local gym. Nice way to start a relationship! Since then, like I said, we have become great friends and still laugh about our initial meeting. Fortunately, the neighbors on the block were all very welcoming and caring. We have been through all kinds of changes and losses on the block since my arrival nearly ten (10) years ago, and never once, did my children or I feel different. This was not the case in our bigger world, as we did feel the loss of former neighbors and friends who remained married and no longer chose to socialize with us. The phase out was gradual and initially was justified by the geographic distance, but after too many empty promises about "getting together soon" and unreturned phone calls, the message was pretty clear.
As adults we can chalk up these unpleasant and hurtful run-ins to a host of explanations, but when it comes to children, they are not as well equipped as we are to handle these situations. I can recall two of my three daughters having very unpleasant experiences at school. In one case my oldest daughter got into an argument with a girl in her class over who knows what...after going back and forth for a bit the argument ended when this girl said to my daughter, "at least my parents aren't divorced and they love me!" Now where on earth do you suppose this girl got the message that divorced parents don't love their children?? My second daughter came home crying from school one day after her teacher, for reasons inexplicable, decided to take a "survey" in her classroom and asked the children how many of their parents were divorced. It seems my daughter was the only one who raised her hand and simultaneously her eyes began to well. While I am sure the teacher was "well meaning" she clearly didn't calculate the effects this might have on her students. At that very moment, my daughter was isolated and clearly put into the caste of children from divorced homes.
Divorce brings all kinds of changes and losses. While most people focus on the loss of the immediate nuclear family and the finances, we often don't realize the profound effect of the extended losses which includes our in-law parents, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces, and cousins. Add to that the loss of neighbors and couple friends (including their children who often played with ours) and soon an entire network of our support system has been eradicated, leaving us to begin anew.
Divorce is not a disease. It's not contagious. Divorced moms, dads and children are like everyone else. We love our family, value our friendships, and give to our community. In a society already divided in so many ways, it is critical that we keep ALL our families strong.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
HOW TO SUCCEED AT YOUR DIVORCE RESOLOLUTION
Happy New Year! By the end of next week I will probably have received at least half a dozen phone calls from prospective new clients eager to see me. It happens every year. In the past I thought it was simply a matter of timing. Unhappy couples wanted to get through the holidays and hence, from Thanksgiving through New Year's Eve, we divorce attorneys typically are not busy commencing divorce proceedings. Reflecting on my upcoming week, I started to think that perhaps there is something more to this specific timing. Yes, perhaps those unhappy couples were riding out the last few weeks of their miserable existence for the sake of the kids, family, or whomever else they wanted to appease (including themselves), but more likely than not, I have concluded that like all the other "resolutions" that top the list, getting a divorce is one of them.
From the research I have done, resolutions are all about improving quality of life. Among them are losing weight, quitting smoking, drinking, organizing finances, the home, and simply enjoying life more. Statistics tell us that half the population makes resolutions, and half of them fail.
If getting a divorce is your New Year's resolution, how can you succeed?
First, make sure you are ready. Yes, I know, you have waited patiently all year for this day to come, but even now you may not be ready. A New Year's resolution does not have to begin on January 1st. Perhaps January 1st is the day you start doing your "prep work."
Next, do your homework, aka prep work. I cannot tell you the number of people that I see each year who cannot answer the most basic of questions such as what did your spouse earn last year? You are going to have to snoop around. You need to know where your tax return is and have a copy of it. You are going to have to know what bills you have and what bank accounts there are. If you do not know, start checking the return addresses that come to the house on bills or statements that are not in your name. This is getting harder now in the world of the internet where almost all bills and records are electronic, but you may still find documents and information around the house or in the car.
Ask for an attorney referral from a friend, family member or colleague. This is the hardest part. Attorney advertising is rampant on the internet, and everyone is a "super star" on the web. It is hard to figure out who really has the credentials and experience you want. Years in practice is not the best barometer for choosing. It's quality not quantity that you want. From the minute you place the call you should feel good. How is the person on the phone who made the appointment? Was he or she helpful or did you feel like just another caller? Were you able to get an appointment within ten days? Unless the attorney is on vacation, if he or she is too busy to see you within a week or thereabout, that attorney may be too busy to give you the quality of time you need. Was the attorney prompt for your meeting? Was the attorney focused on you or did his or her assistant interrupt your meeting on one or more occasions? You can have "the top" attorney on your case, but if you don't feel like you have a relationship with him or her and feel good when you leave that office, then I assure you the feeling will be exactly the same at the end of the case, and you will not be happy.
Get emotional and financial back up. A divorce is not easy and it is not cheap. Unless you are in therapy or find a good support group, you are not going to be able to focus on yourself, your children, your work, or anything else for that matter. While a divorce may feel like it is your whole life, it is not. Your divorce will end at some point, and the time you lost, and people or things you neglected or lost cannot be replaced. Do not let your divorce consume you, especially if this was YOUR resolution. By definition a resolution is a "firm determination." You must be willing to hold your ground and not let everything else around you- especially yourself- fall apart. As for the finances, most people do not have thousands of dollars stashed away to fund a costly divorce. If you are fortunate enough to have family that can help you, you will need to sit down with them and explain to them what your needs are and how you will repay the debt. If you do not have family to help you, then you will need to start saving. Again, perhaps your resolution begins by saving money. If you cannot save, then you may have to resort to a credit card or loan. Harsh as it may seem, reality is that divorce is costly, even if it is amicable.
Set goals and deadlines. Get yourself a pocket calendar or use your phone to calendar your goals. For example, you may want to get three names of lawyers by January 15th and see at least two of them by January 30th. This is a very simple example, but you get the picture. I am a big believer in writing things down. This includes goals and deadlines- even if they are imaginary when you first write them down.
Stay resolute. If getting a divorce is what you really want, then you must stay focused on getting there and how you want the outcome to be. No, the outcome is not fully within your control but much of it is, as is your mental state as you go through the process. There will be many people, events and issues that may cause you to want to throw in the towel, and if that is what you want to do, then it's okay as long as that is what you choose as best for you. However, if you are truly ready and fully prepared, then you will be able to meet all those challenges that lie ahead and keep your New Year Resolution.
From the research I have done, resolutions are all about improving quality of life. Among them are losing weight, quitting smoking, drinking, organizing finances, the home, and simply enjoying life more. Statistics tell us that half the population makes resolutions, and half of them fail.
If getting a divorce is your New Year's resolution, how can you succeed?
First, make sure you are ready. Yes, I know, you have waited patiently all year for this day to come, but even now you may not be ready. A New Year's resolution does not have to begin on January 1st. Perhaps January 1st is the day you start doing your "prep work."
Next, do your homework, aka prep work. I cannot tell you the number of people that I see each year who cannot answer the most basic of questions such as what did your spouse earn last year? You are going to have to snoop around. You need to know where your tax return is and have a copy of it. You are going to have to know what bills you have and what bank accounts there are. If you do not know, start checking the return addresses that come to the house on bills or statements that are not in your name. This is getting harder now in the world of the internet where almost all bills and records are electronic, but you may still find documents and information around the house or in the car.
Ask for an attorney referral from a friend, family member or colleague. This is the hardest part. Attorney advertising is rampant on the internet, and everyone is a "super star" on the web. It is hard to figure out who really has the credentials and experience you want. Years in practice is not the best barometer for choosing. It's quality not quantity that you want. From the minute you place the call you should feel good. How is the person on the phone who made the appointment? Was he or she helpful or did you feel like just another caller? Were you able to get an appointment within ten days? Unless the attorney is on vacation, if he or she is too busy to see you within a week or thereabout, that attorney may be too busy to give you the quality of time you need. Was the attorney prompt for your meeting? Was the attorney focused on you or did his or her assistant interrupt your meeting on one or more occasions? You can have "the top" attorney on your case, but if you don't feel like you have a relationship with him or her and feel good when you leave that office, then I assure you the feeling will be exactly the same at the end of the case, and you will not be happy.
Get emotional and financial back up. A divorce is not easy and it is not cheap. Unless you are in therapy or find a good support group, you are not going to be able to focus on yourself, your children, your work, or anything else for that matter. While a divorce may feel like it is your whole life, it is not. Your divorce will end at some point, and the time you lost, and people or things you neglected or lost cannot be replaced. Do not let your divorce consume you, especially if this was YOUR resolution. By definition a resolution is a "firm determination." You must be willing to hold your ground and not let everything else around you- especially yourself- fall apart. As for the finances, most people do not have thousands of dollars stashed away to fund a costly divorce. If you are fortunate enough to have family that can help you, you will need to sit down with them and explain to them what your needs are and how you will repay the debt. If you do not have family to help you, then you will need to start saving. Again, perhaps your resolution begins by saving money. If you cannot save, then you may have to resort to a credit card or loan. Harsh as it may seem, reality is that divorce is costly, even if it is amicable.
Set goals and deadlines. Get yourself a pocket calendar or use your phone to calendar your goals. For example, you may want to get three names of lawyers by January 15th and see at least two of them by January 30th. This is a very simple example, but you get the picture. I am a big believer in writing things down. This includes goals and deadlines- even if they are imaginary when you first write them down.
Stay resolute. If getting a divorce is what you really want, then you must stay focused on getting there and how you want the outcome to be. No, the outcome is not fully within your control but much of it is, as is your mental state as you go through the process. There will be many people, events and issues that may cause you to want to throw in the towel, and if that is what you want to do, then it's okay as long as that is what you choose as best for you. However, if you are truly ready and fully prepared, then you will be able to meet all those challenges that lie ahead and keep your New Year Resolution.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
She Works Hard for The Money. Should you?
For the woman who is dependent upon her husband for support, her biggest fear is that she will be cut off financially and be unable to support herself, the household or their children. This is a very valid fear. Many women who have, by mutual choice or at their husband's request, given up their careers to become caretakers of their families, whether with children or without, are often left feeling completely vulnerable and insecure when they are served with divorce papers. Likewise, the fear of being financially cut off may prevent a woman from proceeding with a divorce even though she knows she wants to and believes it is best for her and her family. In this state of fear, it is often impossible to make an intelligent decision about how to proceed with respect to re-entering the workforce. As a legal issue, it is imperative that this decision be made together with your attorney if you have one, or at the very least with guidance at a consultation. If you have not yet made the decision to divorce, don't be afraid to make an appointment with an attorney just for a consultation, most of which are free. You are not wasting the attorney's time and are doing an invaluble service for yourself. Most attorneys don't expect that every consult will turn into a case (I certainly don't!) and this is part of what we do.
Since issues of support are unique to the state in which you live, I can't speak specifically to what would happen where you live, but here are some general principles which certainly apply in all circumstances.
1. Don't run out and do ANYTHING within the first month of being served with papers or having papers served on your husband. This is going to be a very difficult and challenging emotional time for you. This is a huge process, and simply stated, you just won't be in the right state of mind to do anything drastic. If you have not worked outside the home for any period of time of one or more years, running out to get a job is drastic. Keep in mind here that I am not talking about a situation where your husband disappears and that you have no resurces whatsoever and will find yourself homeless if you don't act quick. I am talking about the more common scenario where the divorce gets underway and your husband, who has always supported you, starts threatening that he is going to cut you off and that you "need to get a job." It especially amazes me when men who have supported their wives for their entire marriage believe that magically, upon the commencement of divorce, they are supposed to land an incredible position earning as much as their husbands, all while simultaneously having everything at home continue like business as usual. In most instances, husbands who support their wives will be required by law to continue to maintain the status quo while the divorce action is pending. This means to continue to support the household as they did immediately prior to the divorce action commencing.
2. Don't get a job just to get a job. Again, absent extreme circumstances, and provided your husband continues to voluntarily support you or you obtain a court order directing him to do so, you do not need to run out and "get a job." Instead, what you need to do is start thinking about what you might like to do in the future in terms of a career. If you have abandoned a career and would like to resume it, think about what it might take to get back into that field. If you do not have any desire to return to that line of work, or think there is something different or better for you, start thinking about what next steps you need to take to get there. Do you need any additional education? Training? When I have a client in this position, I find that the Court is very interested in hearing about a "plan" for my client. This is especially helpful in tying it into your request for support. For example, if my client wants to do become a teacher and has some college credits, and we know that she will require at least three (3) years of additional schooling to get her degree and additional credentials, then her request for three to five years of support is fair and reasonable, and a Court likely to consider that. If instead, there is no plan or basis, then a Court can simply decide on factors that it believes are reasonable, and a support duration might be shorter. Even worse, by taking that mediocre job you may remove yourself from the support pool altogether.
3. Don't sell yourself short. Don't think that you need to "prove" to your husband that you don't need him or his money. You are going to have a lot on your plate. You are going to have to run a household on a single income, with a single source of time and energy: YOU. Even if you can "do it all" you should not because you need that time and energy to focus on you, your children and this divorce. There are going to be expenses that you didn't even think of. Your children are going to need more of you than ever before. This is part two of the rest of your life. Take the time necessary to prepare yourself on all levels, and give your future career choices a lot of thought. Think about what will bring the best result for you and your children because that is what matters most.
Since issues of support are unique to the state in which you live, I can't speak specifically to what would happen where you live, but here are some general principles which certainly apply in all circumstances.
1. Don't run out and do ANYTHING within the first month of being served with papers or having papers served on your husband. This is going to be a very difficult and challenging emotional time for you. This is a huge process, and simply stated, you just won't be in the right state of mind to do anything drastic. If you have not worked outside the home for any period of time of one or more years, running out to get a job is drastic. Keep in mind here that I am not talking about a situation where your husband disappears and that you have no resurces whatsoever and will find yourself homeless if you don't act quick. I am talking about the more common scenario where the divorce gets underway and your husband, who has always supported you, starts threatening that he is going to cut you off and that you "need to get a job." It especially amazes me when men who have supported their wives for their entire marriage believe that magically, upon the commencement of divorce, they are supposed to land an incredible position earning as much as their husbands, all while simultaneously having everything at home continue like business as usual. In most instances, husbands who support their wives will be required by law to continue to maintain the status quo while the divorce action is pending. This means to continue to support the household as they did immediately prior to the divorce action commencing.
2. Don't get a job just to get a job. Again, absent extreme circumstances, and provided your husband continues to voluntarily support you or you obtain a court order directing him to do so, you do not need to run out and "get a job." Instead, what you need to do is start thinking about what you might like to do in the future in terms of a career. If you have abandoned a career and would like to resume it, think about what it might take to get back into that field. If you do not have any desire to return to that line of work, or think there is something different or better for you, start thinking about what next steps you need to take to get there. Do you need any additional education? Training? When I have a client in this position, I find that the Court is very interested in hearing about a "plan" for my client. This is especially helpful in tying it into your request for support. For example, if my client wants to do become a teacher and has some college credits, and we know that she will require at least three (3) years of additional schooling to get her degree and additional credentials, then her request for three to five years of support is fair and reasonable, and a Court likely to consider that. If instead, there is no plan or basis, then a Court can simply decide on factors that it believes are reasonable, and a support duration might be shorter. Even worse, by taking that mediocre job you may remove yourself from the support pool altogether.
3. Don't sell yourself short. Don't think that you need to "prove" to your husband that you don't need him or his money. You are going to have a lot on your plate. You are going to have to run a household on a single income, with a single source of time and energy: YOU. Even if you can "do it all" you should not because you need that time and energy to focus on you, your children and this divorce. There are going to be expenses that you didn't even think of. Your children are going to need more of you than ever before. This is part two of the rest of your life. Take the time necessary to prepare yourself on all levels, and give your future career choices a lot of thought. Think about what will bring the best result for you and your children because that is what matters most.
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