Divorcing a Jerk? The Best Years are Yet To Come!

Divorce is both an end and a beginning.  It marks the end of a marriage and the beginning of a new life, identity, and existence.  For some clients, it's a process that marks the beginning of their "liberation" and for others, the end of a life they wish they could hold on to.  For the client that did not choose the divorce, this end can be very painful, and their hurt, masked as anger, can lead them to act in ways that are self-destructive and sabotaging.

Divorce Court is not a private place, not even close.  Indeed, not only is it a public venue, but quite literally a stage for every onlooker who happens to be there.  Courts are filled with divorcing husbands and wives, their lawyers, friends, family members, and of course, the court personnel, including the Judges, Clerks, Court Officers, and Cleaning Staff.  On a daily basis you can stroll the court halls and find couples shouting at each other, cursing, and pointing fingers.  It seems that the busier the day, the louder the screaming.  I see behavior in court that I would never see in any other public place.  I always counsel my clients not to engage their spouse in any type of communication that might set off an argument.  In some cases where I know there is going to be trouble I even ask my client to wait on a different floor, other wing, or even in the car.  Sometimes however, you find yourself in a moment you least expect!

While settling a case in court the other day, we were just about to sign an agreement when suddenly my client became very upset.  My client had always been very quiet and composed in court.  Instead of signing her name, she took the pen and pointed it directly into her husband's face.  He stared at her blankly.  In a cracking voice she told him, "I gave you the best years of my life!" He said nothing and then she signed.  I think she was hoping to get some kind of recognition, apology, or quite frankly...anything.  He didn't flinch.
When it was all over, I said to her, he was a jerk and you didn't give him the best years of your life. He gave you the worst of yours, and it's over now.  I wanted her to see that at that very moment she was the author of what I like to call "Part 2" of her life.  That pen she had used to sign her name and end her marriage had also given her a new life, one that she had co-authored with me, setting forth the terms of where she would live, what assets she received, and what she could expect from him-what was required of him, contractually.  Before that, he called all the shots and she never really knew what was coming next or when.  He had always handled all the financials and she had very little involvement.  It was certainly overwhelming but at the same time, very liberating.

Now I know and understand that you will never truly be rid of your ex, and that he may in fact be around and continue to haunt you long after the divorce, but the notion that we gave anyone the "best years" of our life is just one that doesn't sit well with me.  It's almost like saying we have nothing left to enjoy or give or receive.  It's victory for him, a feather in his hat, and why should you, even if you do feel that way, give him that power? Even worse, if you perceive it to be true, he never saw it, never apprecited it, and certainly won't now.

Those Three Little Words You Hate to Hear

When will my divorce be over?  I don't Know.

Why is he/she doing this to me? I don't Know.

Why is he/she doing this to the kids?  I don't Know.

When will he/she realize how wrong this is? I don't Know.

The truth of the matter is that we as lawyers can only answer a very few and specific things for you.  As for the bigger picture issues as to whom you thought your spouse was or has now turned out to be; why he or she can't cooperate and do the right thing; why he or she can't be mature; why he or she can't "let things go"- these are things they just don't teach you in law school.  I often wonder how on earth I could do this job without having gone through a divorce myself.  During these types of question sessions all I really have to offer is my own life experience.  I tell my clients that they simply cannot change their spouse.  I remind them that all these upsetting behaviors are just a different version of the same behaviors that led to the divorce in the first place.

It's frustrating for me as their attorney to often respond with "I don't know," but in truth, it's the best and most honest answer they will ever get.  When I'm feeling more brazen I might even confess that in the legal system no one even cares. I suppose I could fuel the fire and remind them exactly why their spouse is such a self-centered, unreasonable and insane jerk, but what good would that really do? Often times as the observer I get to see that my client's spouse is about ten times worse than the client even realizes, having spent years married to him or her and gotten used to it.  Sure, I could spend a whole hour or even afternoon talking about someone's spouse, but no, that won't get you divorced any sooner, won't get you extra money, and in fact, will only cost you!

It pains me to see a client beat him or herself up over these types of questions, and even worse, spend hundreds of dollars talking about it to their lawyers.  And here is another painful truth, most lawyers don't really want to hear it anyway but will gladly listen for hours on end if that is how you wish to spend your legal fees.  So the next time your lawyer says "I don't know" or  "rudely" cuts you off, or tells you he or she doesn't want or need to hear this stuff consider yourself lucky; he or she is just being honest and saving you a lot of time, grief and money!