When a Judge uses the "F" word in court it's not what you think!

Forgiveness.
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness!

Now that's a hard pill to swallow if you're in divorce court.

I recently had the pleasure of speaking with a very intelligent, thoughtful, empathic, compassionate and practical judge who says it as it is- whether or not her views are the norm or "outside the box" as she prefers to describe it.  This is refreshing I think to myself.  Most Judges in divorce court these days are a lot more cynical.  They've seen and heard way too much to try and get people to "do the right thing."  Their words of wisdom and years of experience seemingly fall upon deaf ears day after day, so after a while it becomes useless to try and save divorcing men and women from themselves.  Let's face it, any divorce attorney will tell you (or would secretly admit), that if you're in Court, you've gone too far to start using the "F" word.  This Judge sees it differently and she's making a difference.  She tells litigants that no matter what the past is, it cannot be changed; that we can only move forward, and to do that, we must be willing to forgive each other.  After nearly 20 years of divorce experience believe me when I tell you, I've seen some pretty unforgiveable things, and yet, when she talked of forgiveness as the first step to a better outcome, it all made sense.

When divorce is about vengeance it is no longer about you or what is best for you.  It becomes about what is worst for your spouse.  Your focus and attention is diverted from your goals, your dreams, and your new life.  Instead, all of your time, energy and legal fees are spent on trying to make your spouse miserable.   When that doesn't work, it is usually you who is left feeling depleted, defeated and drained. 

Forgiveness really isn't about the other person; it's about you.  It's an act which is meant to allow you to move forward.  It doesn't mean you sanction the wrong, understand it or approve of it.  It doesn't make you the bigger, better or wiser person.  It doesn't make you weaker.  It simply means that you are ready to move forward in your direction without being weighed down by all the negative feelings and experiences that your spouse brought you.

The F word is a lot more than Forgiveness.  It's Freedom.

Not Sure What to Do? Hit Snooze!

When divorce hits home it's like someone pressed the panic button and all hell has broken loose.  Might I suggest an alternative? Hit snooze.  Trust me, you'll be glad you took those extra ten minutes.

Rare is the client that walks into my office cool, calm and collected.  Even rarer is the client who tells me that she has had time to mourn the end of her marriage, learn from her mistakes, healed her broken heart, considered all the financial implications of her past and future, and is ready to lay out a plan for herself and the future.  Nope, not even close.  Instead, more often than not, my client is frazzled, distressed, confused, and barely able to get through the first ten minutes of our meeting without a tissue.  She has usually "just found out" that her husband has lied, stolen, cheated or whatever the bomb is- and by "just" I mean a few weeks, days or even hours ago. 

While it is true that it is important to know your rights and what to do, it is equally important to be able to understand those rights and process what you are being told.  I know that often times I am speaking about income, assets, liabilities, ramifications and consequences when my poor client is barely coming out of a state of shock.  Absent a life threatening situation, sometimes inaction is the best action.  There are many times when simply taking a step back, breathing, and taking care of yourself are much more important than rushing to see an attorney.  In many cases in those first few days and weeks following the "announcement" there is nothing that NEEDS to be done.  There are of course many exceptions and I am not talking about things like a spouse disappearing from the house with the kids, bank accounts being closed, locks being changed, cars being towed...those things require urgent, immediate attention and action.   I am talking about a situation where your seemingly happy and normal ordinary married life is going to change.  A situation where your spouse tells you that he's not happy anymore and wants a divorce.  Beyond that, he has not done anything else, and other than being emotionally devastated, the household continues to function relatively the same.  If this is the case, then you need to wait a while and see where this is all going.  In some cases there is very good reason to do nothing, and at the very least, a brief snooze is in order.  There are times when I counsel my client that she should not be the one to initiate proceedings or hurry things along just to accommodate her anxious husband who can't wait to move out and eat his bowl of cherries on the other side where the grass seems greener.  I tell the husbands the very same thing.  There is no need for him to hurry out the door so that his cheating wife can enjoy all the comforts of home with the pool guy while he pays all the expenses. 

Divorce is complicated and strategies are best formulated after careful thought and planning.  Think of it as when you know you have a big day and set the alarm a little bit early just to give you that extra time and peace of mind.